December 20, 2009

Where do I even begin?

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On my mind at the moment: Somewhere deep in my mind, I live in a fantasy world. I find myself daydreaming about this life in which I am a part of something significant, am striving for something significant, and have done something significant. I think about the things that could have been, the opportunities I could have made for myself. But who am I kidding? These fabrications of my mind are absurd. I imagine about the love scandals of classic drama TV high school students. My mind wanders off about the different family interactions. Naturally, as I was watching Glee today, I’ve come to realize that this fantasy world is no different than that of any show on TV about the struggles of young adults. I wonder if, somewhere out in the world, these things happen. The multifaceted relationships between friends, the ups-and-downs of fighting what society brings upon us. Are these the real-life challenges that I want to have come smack me in the face right now?

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I’ve written so many papers on the meaninglessness of life. I splurged for thoughts and ideas just to get those papers done, so it wasn’t really until recently that I’ve started to find the world to be so useless. Why are we here? I go to school for the first twenty years of my life and then work for the next forty and I’ll find myself on my deathbed. Why bother? I feel like at this point I’m stuck in this institution defined by society and my life is being dictated by what society wants. I want to do something real. Studying for philosophy and business ethics is not real.

You know what the biggest problem is? I want to do this. I don’t want to be just another college student and just another person in the work force with a terribly boring life. I want the excitement that my fantasy world brings to me. So the problem. I have no idea where to start, and it bothers me that I’m not actively trying to look for where to start. It is absurd and is an innate problem. But yet I sit and settle for the life I have in front of me. What’s wrong with me? I need a vision. I lack ability.

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It’s tough finding satisfaction and real happiness when life is such a blank slate staring me in the face. There’s no spark. At some point last year, I found some of that. It was so much fun. I had some goals. I went out for them. I don’t think I truly succeeded in any of them, but that pursuit and the comradery and relationship with friends formed throughout these pursuits gave life some purpose. And then there was her. I saw her smile and I thought I was the happiest person alive. She was the one person I felt comfortable confiding in and not having to lie about my feelings to. Nothing lasts though. At least not the good.

All I really want right now is just some more of that. I don’t know what to do to find it. I keep myself stuck in the past and as everyone is moving on, my life is on rewind. I don’t know where to go to find those close bonds again. I’m lost. I just need something to point me in the right direction and find some sense of purpose again.