Friday, January 30, 2009

January 30, 2009

This week went by quickly, but it felt long in terms of how much work I had. It's amazing how I can put so much work into certain things and yet still fail. Maybe not fail, but feel less than accomplished. Such is my life.
My birthday wasn't anything really special. Nothing exciting. Lots of "happy birthday"s, from acquaintances on Facebook more than anyone else. A cake. Some money. Good money actually. A hundred and sixty dollars worth of money. Though it was combined with Chinese New Year red envelope money. Still nice. I guess my mother forgot about our tirade the evening before.
Being eighteen doesn't seem like anything special. Until I tell people that I'm eighteen. That's when I realized how old I am. Do younger kids really look at me the way I used to look at eighteen year olds?
The Australian Open has been going on. I've probably watched and followed this tournament more than any other before and it really is incredibly to watch them. It makes me want to play so badly. It makes me want to be good. It makes me want the to feel success; to be able to scream in joy, pump my fists, and let euphoria run through me. To be able to do this:

It gives me chills whenever I see a person take in every moment of something after succeeding something they put so much effort into. I can't imagine what it feels like. But I'm really hoping one day, there will be something that I can just lay back and smile about. Something that I work hard to achieve and I would assume that that's the best feeling in the world. I hope.

And there's this guy:

I've come to realize lately how much I love underdogs. To just burst out on the scene and deliver everything you have with confidence, perseverance, and heart. I mean, this guy, Verdasco, he's never been past the fourth round of a grand slam event. He comes to Aussie fitter than ever and prepared to play. He had his heart set on making a good run. And he sure made one hell of a run. I'm sure in his mind, he never had a seconds worth of doubt in his ability, in his potential. He remade himself. He didn't let his past record scare him away from being successful now. I give this guy a lot of credit and my respect. He's an inspiration.
I guess, in a way, that's what I want to do with myself. Forget my failure-and-bad-luck-filled past. Restart. I suppose that this whole new workout routine that I'm committing myself to is part of that. Like Verdasco, maybe I can go into the tennis season fitter than ever. Unlock some of the potential I know I have. Then again, all of this comes with practice, practice, practice. Being in shape is one thing. Knowing how to play is another. And I'm not sure I have the resources to truly unlock this potential. But I'll work at it. Once I find someone who wants to play with me.
Back to the underdog idea. My life has always seemed to me as if it's some sort of a failure. I have never really been able to achieve as much as I strive for. Mainly, it is because I never truly put my mind to something to be the best that I can be. So in this sense, I feel like my life is one big unlocked potential. In every thing I do, I feel like I'm the underdog, which I may be. But my mentality of being the underdog restricts me. I walk in feeling inferior and therefore, I am. Yes, I believe that existence comes before essence, but having the mentality would give me one less force to fight against. And because of this, all of these underdog stories are truly inspiring. It gives me the hope that I can do more if I work for it.

I think it's time for some change. Class pessimist no more? We'll see.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

January 25, 2009

I'm really tired of being nagged at by my parents. They overreact at every little thing and it's just so annoying. I just really need to go to college, get out of this place. I want to do what I want to do, without the strings attached, without having to think about what my parents are going to nag about next. I am really dying for Italy and then college. Where I can let myself be who I really am. I don't even know what I'm saying. I just want to be able to do what I want to do without being judged by them. I don't even mind other people's judgements as much. It's just my parents. They're always there trying to restrict me. AUGHHHHHHHHHH.
Okay, I'm done.

January 25, 2009

Today was my aunt's 50th birthday; happy birthday to her. She's always been my favorite =). Anyway, so I went to the city with my family and we had a really good birthday dinner; for her and for me. It was nice. Great Korean food; BBQ and all. And because I was in a really grouchy mood earlier in the day to my parents, I felt really bad. You know, as I'm writing this, I just realized that this is probably the last birthday I'll spend with my family. That's an upsetting thought, and I feel pretty bad considering how my wanting to spend my birthday with my family was more of an afterthought since I wanted to spend it with my friends.
This brings me to another thought: my relationship with my parents. I was thinking about this all day, mainly on the rides to and from the city. I have this constant anger towards my parents. For what, I can't quite figure out. They always seem to annoy me and the littlest thing they do that's not to my favor, I find myself swirling in rage. But then, I can have a great time with them too. I can't quite tell if it's my problem or theirs. Whatever it is, it's difficult to understand.
And then, about my dad. I've realized the last few days how similar we are. In a bad way. I realized that most of the things that I hate about my father reflects exactly how I am. I'm just a slightly dulled down version of all the bad things in my dad's personality. The pessimism. My father's a fiery pit of darkness and he sees everything as negatively as possible. Much worse than I am. The anger. The constant annoyance. He's so easily annoyed and it's really scary when he gets annoyed. I really should try changing who I am. But it's not like I can just rewrite the personality born into my genetics. I think I can make myself a better person though. There's some change in need.
I've been trying to get myself more motivated to do work. I guess it's working since I finished my calc project, finished up some other homework and practice violin today working around dinner in the city. I guess this is a little too late to help me in terms of college, but I'm sure being more motivated will benefit me eventually.
I'm also trying to be more cultured. Read more. Watch more movies. I've watched a lot of movies lately, and most of the time I can take something from them. This book I've been reading is just taking me forever. I don't even know why. But I'm going to finish it by tomorrow night.
I need someone to like. Someone to occupy my thoughts so I don't get sucked into the past. Someone who takes my breath away when I see them, talk to them, think about them. Something for me to strive for. To start the chase again.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

January 24, 2009

So I've been saying for a while now that I wanted to create some kind of a blog/journal, just to write. To get my feelings out or just for memory's sake. I created a new Xanga because this is supposed to be more of a "private" thing, but if any of you come across it, you might find out some things about me that I normally don't show.
Ruth was just talking about Kush's Xanga, which I then went to read. It's weird how people can change. Just two months ago, he was wowed by the fact that I can even want a serious relationship and said that he could never do it. Now it seems like he really wants her.
Maybe it comes with maturity. Not everything's just fun and games anymore. I wish people would understand that more. That things should be taken more seriously and not just thrown aside as if we are free of responsibility. As each of us near the age of eighteen, when we become legal and can no longer be held in the hands of our parents, reality needs to smack us in the face. I can't do things, get in trouble, and disregard it a few days later as simply a "lesson learned." I am my actions. And if I am to define myself as the person I hope to become, then I need to make my actions now worthwhile, thought out.
Anyway, back to my thoughts on Kush. If he sincerely has feelings for her, then good for him. I was never able to understand guys who "sleep around," and I hope I will never stoop so low as to letting myself understand it. I can't do things just because. If I make a commitment, I will stay committed and carry it out to the best of my ability. Right now, I am still deciding if this is such a great quality, because I feel like it came back to bite me in the ass when I was with Catalina.
It's been over a month since we broke up, but it hasn't been until recently that I've really been thinking about it. The last week or so. On Saturday, I was talking to Rodante about relationships and that at our point in life, relationships really need its space. That's where my commitment came back to bite me. I was probably overly attached and couldn't let myself find our differences and settle them. Relationship needs compromises right? We never had to make these compromises because it was always "If you're happy, I'm happy" on her part, and nothing but trying to make her happy on my part. I don't know. I still don't understand relationships well, but every experience is an experience.
Speaking of Catalina, I do miss her a lot. Not even the relationship. Just her; her presence; her friendship. I was talking to Tiff the other night about having flashbacks and trying to live in the past. The last few days, I have been having these flashbacks. Usually to the conversations Catalina and I would have sitting in my car in her driveway whenever I bring her home. And to the late night conversations we would have in the time that she claimed to be "letting her hair dry" before I asked her out. Those were good. But I guess it's stupid thinking about them now. There's no going back. Don't get me wrong. I'm not not over her. I just miss those moments. I'm sure anyone in my position would miss those things.
I'm kind of upset that no one, including my family, really wants to do anything for my eighteenth birthday. I'm not sure if it has been overshadowed by Chinese New Year being on the same day, or that no one remembers. Whatever the case, it's not making me feel too awesome about myself.
All this existentialism stuff we've been constantly talking about in English has really gotten to me. I have actually been thinking about the meaning of life. Why we're here. Why we do what we do. But then in the end, (based on existentialism) these thoughts actually don't exist because I'm not doing anything about them. There's no action to back them. But honestly, what can I do about them? I'm not going to just decide that because I don't want to work, I'll just stop doing work. I still think existentialism is somewhat absurd. There are so many holes in the ideas. There isn't even a way to justify an existentialist considering that nothing matters, nothing has meaning. I originally thought that a true existentialist would commit suicide, but with more thought on it, I realized that there would be no point for the person to commit suicide. It's just such an annoying never ending circle in which nothing can explain anything because nothing matters. So dead or alive, it's all the same. So why bother killing yourself? Now I have confused myself.
Wow I feel like I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff with no real substance. Hums. Oh well