April 30, 2010

Lingering on past memories…

 

Anticipating the future…

 

Forgetting to live today…

April 19, 2010

 

I’m starting to get sick of school. Nothing in particular is difficult. Classes, exams, etc. have been easy to get through. I really don’t have any other commitments besides academics, so life goes pretty smoothly. Despite this, I feel terribly drained. The moment I step onto campus, I feel a nagging burden pressing down on me. Even when I’m trying to be in relax mode, my mind is still wondering about the things that should be done or could have been done to make it better and fulfill potential. I don’t know. It’s just a mess of crap. I think a problem is that I feel like I can be so much better than I am now at everything I do. Yet, there’s always something in the way. Anyway, regardless of the reason, it’s making me feel overwhelmed. The thing is, every time I leave campus, I feel a ton better. The few days I was home two weeks ago just felt amazing. Every time I go into the city, it’s like a huge weight is lifted off my chest. When I go for my daily jogs, it’s like there’s peace of mind. I guess I’m doing the best that I can to relieve whatever it is that’s troubling me. My daily jogs seem to be getting longer and longer because they’re really the only part of my day that I can spend not worrying about anything academics related. Surprisingly, I’m trying to make the best out of the situation, do my best, and get out of here as soon as possible.

I talk to my parents last night and commented on how I have a countdown until summer vacation. They seemed surprised by that, commenting on the fact that they don’t remember wanting to get out of school that badly when they were in college. Is it just me? There’s nothing really inherently wrong with my experience here. It’d be nice to have a constant large group of friends like back in high school, but I won’t complain about what I have here.

I think I’m starting to get caught up on the whole freedom issue again. It’s probably because I go to school in a more suburban area with limited transportation, but I still feel trapped. I would love to have a car around and be able to leave campus and just go wherever I want whenever I want. That’s the clearest issue I have right now.

Does anyone out there even share the same feelings I’m having?

 

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Speaking of trapped and needing an escape, I discovered this year how amazing music can be. It is a mental escape from all the crap going on around. Concerts are so enjoyable and rocking out with other people who like the same music is great. The greatest thing about music is how much variety there is. I’ve started to constantly look around for different bands, not necessarily established ones, and I’ve realized how much good stuff there is out there. I like a pretty select style of music, and even amongst that style, there’s variety. One of my greatest dreams is to be able to sing. It just seems like such an amazing thing.

 

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I really want to go on vacation with a group of friends again. I was looking back at pictures from Italy last year and remembered how great of a time that was. Travelling and being exposed to the different things out there. And then to be able to experience that with friends is even greater because you share some kind of bond after it. I wish I had more opportunities to do that.

This summer, I’m going to Taiwan with my mother and brother. I’m actually really looking forward to it. It’ll be a huge change of scenery. I’ve been to Taiwan maybe five times, but I have yet to go there for a real vacation and get to enjoy what is there. I should be there the first two weeks of August. That also happens to be when Jess is going to be there so hopefully I’ll get to hang out with her in Taiwan! That’ll be sweet.

The whole idea of traveling has forced me to seriously think about travelling abroad my junior year. If I have not transferred from BC by then, I’m thinking about going to Hong Kong. For some reasons, HK has always interested me and this would be my opportunity to see it and live there for a few months. If not HK, then hopefully Shanghai. We’ll have to see. If I do transfer, then that’s a whole different story.

The idea of transferring has also got me really excited lately. I’m going to apply for the spring semester of 2011 to Carnegie Mellon and MIT, both as a math major in computational analysis. That would be spectacular if it works out. It’ll be really tough though, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

 

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I thought of this a few weeks ago when a friend was having a big of a rough patch in their life.

We’re all stubborn as hell. It’s tough to let go of certain things that mean a lot to us. And that’s what friends are for. They keep us honest. They are able to see outside of what we refuse to let go of and they help us to realize.

Yeah I’m probably one of the most stubborn people in the world. I like things my way and when I commit to something, that’s usually the final word. I see that as a strength of mine, but it has many of its own shortcomings. I’m trying to be more open minded about things, about people. I want to open my arms to what others suggest and listen to what’s on other people’s mind. Take into consideration the world around me.

April 11, 2010

**I’ve been meaning to write a meaningful post for a while now. This was supposed to be it, but I decided to just ramble.

 

Wow, it’s been almost a month since I last posted. I have these trends where I just seem to have a lot to say and then I go through these lulls. But then again, when I don’t have that much to say, I’m usually more at ease and it is typically when I am feeling good about things, or I’m just getting worked out of my mind. It’s been half and half over the past month. Anyway, that kind of segues into why I’m writing this post now. But first, I’ll quickly run through the happenings of the past month.

I have been going home seemingly every other weekend. Two weekends at home for spring break. I was back for two and a half weeks and I was home again for Easter break. That was a nice five days at home. I managed to do some things while really getting some relaxation time, and not just sit on my ass all day. I made my way down to TCNJ. It was my first time at TCNJ and it happened to be a lot bigger than I expected. It’s..interesting. Kind of barren, nothing sticks out in particular, and doesn’t see to be to my tastes. Perhaps that impression would change if I saw it during the day. As much as I would have loved to spend the night there, I just picked up Kalvin and headed up to Rutgers to spend the night with Ruth. That ended up being a mess of a night, but everything turned out fine in the end. I think that I should just never drink. Ever. It’d probably be better for me and for everyone else. I’m kind of afraid to drink now because of the potentially stupid things I might say or do. Plus, I still see very little benefits to being drunk. Friday, I hung out with the family and then went to Katie’s house at night. I saw Jess for the first time since Columbus Day that night. It was pretty exciting and definitely really nice seeing her. I miss her constant cheerful demeanor. The next morning, my brother and I went to see the New York International Auto Show at the Javits Center. Good day. Saw some incredibly awesome cars. Those pictures are posted on my Facebook. Then on Sunday, I found out how NOTHING was open on Easter. My brother and I literally drove up and down Route 10 looking for a place to eat lunch. That was an utter failure. Oh well. Came back to school on Monday afternoon with Joe, but that was after I got a chance to watch my brother play a tennis match. He played really well. It was really fun to watch and made me really miss playing high school tennis or just playing tennis competitively in general.

Anyway, that was definitely a much needed break. I had to suffer through my hell week of this semester and that really took a lot out of me. I had three exams in that one week and I literally did not leave my desk the whole week and I felt like my brains were going to blow up. Managed to do well, so the effort didn’t go to waste (82ish on Econ, but the class mean was 60ish, and my grade was that low only because I didn’t see a whole question; 96 in Calc3; 99 in Linear Algebra). A few weeks before that I had a Financial Accounting exam that I set the curve for, so naturally I got 100. Academically, I feel like I’ve been doing fine. It’s taking a lot out of me and I’m glad that I’m able to dedicate myself to doing well. I still wish I could get myself to work harder. I feel that there’s so much more that I can do to do better.

Yeah, so that’s that. Just a quick (not really) update of the goings of my life. I’ll have an actual insightful, meaningful post up soon.