December 31, 2009

Last post of the decade.

Ten years ago, the world was in disarray trying to figure out how to stop computers from blowing up the world when the year turned from 99 to 00. I was eight years old, in third grade, and wondering why they can’t just put a giant brick wall in front of every missile so the world won’t blow up. I think it’s safe to say I’ve grown quite a bit since.  According to my third grade time capsule, I wanted to be a lawyer and my favorite TV show was Pokemon at the beginning of the decade. By the end, I’m majoring in finance and computer science and minoring in math while my favorite TV show is How I Met Your Mother. I think it’s for the better…

Ten years is a long time but it seemed to have gone by so quickly. It’s kind of hard to think of, but here’s some of the most memorable moments of the decade.

1. High school graduation: It was such a happy, yet somewhat frightening moment. End of an era, beginning of another. It was insane to see how excited everyone was and it was just all smiles. What made it amazing was that it was spent with some great friends. I wish there were more of these moments to share with friends, but I guess that’s what makes it special.
2. Italy trip: One country. Seven cities. Fourteen days. Sixteen high school graduates. Thousands of pictures taken. Countless memories and great times that will last a lifetime. Yeah those were an amazing two weeks. It was so surreal. The sights that we were given the opportunity to see and the people that I got to see it with were nothing short of awesome. I don’t even know how else to describe it. It was such a blast and I hope I’ll be back there again.
3. Senior Prom and Post-prom weekend: It went by really quickly. And it wasn’t quite as great as people build it up to be. But regardless, it was, like graduation, another event in my life that symbolizes the turning point between one time period to another. I actually still think the best part was doing pictures before prom. Post-prom was another great weekend. I will always remember the picture we took of a whole group of us on the beach in the pouring rain. Then the following days spent on the beach. It was great.
4. End of eight grade: Rainbow class of ‘06. Not much to say here. Looking back at some pictures, we seemed to have been legitimately happy about ourselves and everything going on. Hershey Park in the rain. Dorney Park in the sweltering hot sun. Eight grade formal. And not to mention that I liked this really cool girl and she liked me back too. What a concept.(This picture is hilarious). 
5. Senior year homecoming: …I was happy. Really happy.
6. 2007 USSBA All-States Championships in Allentown: Yes, we won two others in the years I was in the band, but this one was just beyond exhilarating. There was just something about the atmosphere that day that put this one over the top.
7. First Yankees game: Sure, it wasn’t the most exciting game ever. One-hitter thrown by Sergio Mitre through eight innings and finished off by Chad Gaudin. A-rod hit a bullet homerun to right field. Pretty much a blowout game. But I’ll never forget my first ever Yankees game, simply because I’m the biggest baseball dork in the world.
8. Yankees winning 2009 World Series: Andy Pettitte got the win. Mo got the save. A-rod did what he needed to do. And Hit-deki played impressively in his last game in pinstripes. We sat in front of the TV throughout the whole game, watching every play. We cheered, jumped, screamed as Tex made the final putout to end an epic 2009 season. That was a good day.
9. September 11, 2001: During recess in fifth grade, I overheard two teachers talking about planes crashing over two buildings in New York City. I obviously did not know what was going on and shrugged it off. Parents started taking my classmates out of school, yet the school never let us know what was going on. When my mom came to pick me up, she asked me if I knew and told me what happened. I remember coming home and both my mom and I sat riveted to the TV for the rest of the afternoon. I was young but it’s one of those things that stick.
10. FBLA Nationals in Chicago: One of few achievements that really stick out in my mind. It was so exciting to be able to go up on stage at the states competition to pick up my award and ultimately finding out that I have the opportunity to compete at the national level. That trip was somewhat of a first taste of freedom as we were pretty much unsupervised. The greatest part was walking through downtown Chicago around midnight with a friend and looking at the wonderful sights around the lake and throughout the city.

So there we have it, my list of the decade’s most memorable events. Hopefully I didn’t miss anything obvious. Ten years is such an incredibly long time; so many things happened. I really wish I could go back and look at everything to see what I did right or what I did wrong. Where would I be now if I took a certain thing more seriously, or made a different choice?

Lately, as I look back on some of the things that have shaped me, I realize how much potential there was for me to do well in certain things. Tennis, for example. I love playing tennis but I never seemed to take it seriously enough to make myself a standout player. I regret wasting my time in the summers in front of the computer rather than outside working on my serves. Violin, too. I could have been so much better if I had realized how great it would be to be spectacular at something musical. I can’t sing or dance, but I think that if I had pushed myself just a little harder to enjoy playing the violin, I could be in a much better position today. It’s hard to believe, but I feel like now that I’m in college, my window of opportunity to learn these things has all but closed. I don’t want to give up what I have learned. Most than ten years of violin and tennis is a lot to just forget about. I need to make sure that some way or another, I keep up these interests.

I feel that over the past year or so, I have discovered a lot about myself. I have a good grasp on how I am as a person and my personality traits. There’s a lot that I want to change, but most of it can’t be completely changed. I just have to make the best of it and try to mask the bad traits among more preferable ones. I have been stuck in a predicament about why I just can’t be as confident about myself as I should be. Or why I can’t express myself to other people as well as I do internally. Or why I just can’t seem to find anywhere where I really fit in. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’ve learned a lot about myself, but there’s so much more for me to discover. Hopefully, by the end of this next decade, I can rectify some of these issues. Or else I might be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life. That doesn’t seem fun.

So where will I be the next time a decade ends? I’m excited to find out.

December 21, 2009

I completely lack emotional attachment. And I think it’s killing me more than anything else.

December 20, 2009

Where do I even begin?

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On my mind at the moment: Somewhere deep in my mind, I live in a fantasy world. I find myself daydreaming about this life in which I am a part of something significant, am striving for something significant, and have done something significant. I think about the things that could have been, the opportunities I could have made for myself. But who am I kidding? These fabrications of my mind are absurd. I imagine about the love scandals of classic drama TV high school students. My mind wanders off about the different family interactions. Naturally, as I was watching Glee today, I’ve come to realize that this fantasy world is no different than that of any show on TV about the struggles of young adults. I wonder if, somewhere out in the world, these things happen. The multifaceted relationships between friends, the ups-and-downs of fighting what society brings upon us. Are these the real-life challenges that I want to have come smack me in the face right now?

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I’ve written so many papers on the meaninglessness of life. I splurged for thoughts and ideas just to get those papers done, so it wasn’t really until recently that I’ve started to find the world to be so useless. Why are we here? I go to school for the first twenty years of my life and then work for the next forty and I’ll find myself on my deathbed. Why bother? I feel like at this point I’m stuck in this institution defined by society and my life is being dictated by what society wants. I want to do something real. Studying for philosophy and business ethics is not real.

You know what the biggest problem is? I want to do this. I don’t want to be just another college student and just another person in the work force with a terribly boring life. I want the excitement that my fantasy world brings to me. So the problem. I have no idea where to start, and it bothers me that I’m not actively trying to look for where to start. It is absurd and is an innate problem. But yet I sit and settle for the life I have in front of me. What’s wrong with me? I need a vision. I lack ability.

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It’s tough finding satisfaction and real happiness when life is such a blank slate staring me in the face. There’s no spark. At some point last year, I found some of that. It was so much fun. I had some goals. I went out for them. I don’t think I truly succeeded in any of them, but that pursuit and the comradery and relationship with friends formed throughout these pursuits gave life some purpose. And then there was her. I saw her smile and I thought I was the happiest person alive. She was the one person I felt comfortable confiding in and not having to lie about my feelings to. Nothing lasts though. At least not the good.

All I really want right now is just some more of that. I don’t know what to do to find it. I keep myself stuck in the past and as everyone is moving on, my life is on rewind. I don’t know where to go to find those close bonds again. I’m lost. I just need something to point me in the right direction and find some sense of purpose again.

December 12, 2009

Seven days to go.

My brain is going to start dripping out and I’m going to rip my hair out.

…love college.

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Note to self: must write a meaningful post sometime soon.

November 2, 2009

Damn it’s November already.

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I hate regrets.

Especially the ones that comes back to bite you in the ass years later.

October 28, 2009

I can't tell if I'm just very stubborn or very persistent. I can't seem to be able to change any part of my personality or beliefs. It feels like everyone else has come to college and changed their whole persona. I've seen this happen to several people already who just don't seem to be the same as the person I met when we first got here. But I on the other hand remains the same in nearly every aspect. Hm. Can't quite figure this one out....

October 25, 2009

Why is it so hard to let go of the past?

I have spent a year trying to convince myself that I was perfectly fine just forgetting about everything. But honestly, I can’t help but to keep going back and trying to remember how it felt to be happy.

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College is tough. There’s much more work than I would like and it seems that everything we do is significant. There’s no messing around and there’s just so much stress to have to succeed on each assignment for each class. There’s just so much room for failure. I’m not sure if I can gauge how I’m handling all this yet.

People who say that one of the toughest things about college is being able to manage your time. I think they’re wrong. There’s not much need to manage your time because your weekdays and Sundays include class, homework, and sleep. You really have no choice.

Needless to say, while I am enjoying this experience for the most part, senior year of high school has been the best year of my life and I wish a lot that I can relive it; not just because of the much relaxed coursework, but because of the fun times I had and friendly bonds I made.

September 21, 2009

I miss home.

September 1, 2009

It’s almost time to go.

Things I’m going to miss:

1. Homemade Chinese food
2. My bed
3. My yogi bear cub
4. Driving my yogi bear cub
5. Playing catch with my brother
6. Late night hangouts
7. Not having to worry about my basic needs (i.e. food, clothing)
8. Familiarity and comfort
9. Not needing to worry about certain decisions
10. Everyone I have known and grown up with over the past 18 years

Here.We.Go.

August 22, 2009

Throughout my whole life, the longest that I’ve spend away from home was the two weeks I spent in Italy. Ten days from now, I’ll be loading my car and getting ready to leave home for good. I can’t say that I’ll miss this place terribly, because as of right now, I cannot wait to get out of here. Maybe at some point next week, it will really hit me that this is no longer my home for the majority of the year. It is kind of strange that as I now look around my room, a lot of my belongings are already packed away and ready to be moved. There is definitely a sense of excitement as I pack my clothes and electronics into suitcases and boxes. There is also a growing sense of uncertainty as it gets closer and closer to college. I’m sure that these are all normal feelings for a college-bound 18 year old who is truly stepping out of a comfort zone for the first time. It feels strange that I am already sitting here trying to formulate my first college essay and attempt to kick start these next few years with something impressive. I honestly wish I knew what to expect of the other students and what the professors expect of me. By the end of high school, I had a strong understanding of what quality of work teachers expected of me and how my work would compare to my peers. Now I have to start this whole process over again and it’s really an uncomfortable situation not knowing whether or not my work is good enough.

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Many people have already left for college. It’s really sad having to say goodbye and seeing the people that have been around throughout the past several years gone. I know for a fact that all my friends are absolutely brilliant in all different ways. I hope that everyone ends up finding something they want to do and succeed in these endeavors. It’s exciting to know that we are the future of society and hopefully some of us make it to the top. It’ll be pretty cool to see someone I know become well known for achieving something great one day. Good luck, guys.

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While it’s not quite the end of the summer, I must say that his has been the best ever. Italy was just a blast and there’s nothing else I can really say about that trip besides what’s already been said. Since I got back home, there have rarely been days that I have wanted to die because of boredom. Every other summer had seemed too long and needed to end by the middle of August. It is really funny and odd that has a high school graduate, some of the most fun I had this summer seemed like stupid and uneventful gatherings.

• I can’t say enough about how much four friends, a basement, and a ton of Nerf guns can be. I’m not sure how many more times I’ll have the opportunity to have a Nerf gun war again.
• My friends and I have talked about playing Mahjong for a while now. It finally happened. We almost seemed like old, Asian ladies, but playing for hours until 2AM with friends is something I could do over and over. Here’s to many more Mahjong game nights.
• Mafia is a relatively complicated game. Everyone seems to have their own rules and rarely do we all agree on what is right and what is wrong. Naturally, this has resulted into many failed attempts… until now. Who knew that mafia can become so intense? It was thought-provoking, competitive, and challenging. We applied strategies and some good lying skills. While it's doubtful that games of mafia this good could be replicated over and over, it’ll be worth trying again in the future.
• There’s nothing like movie nights, relaxing poolside, or just conversing in someone’s basement. Times like these are going to make me miss my friends so much.

Well…my next post could possibly be about my first experiences as a college student. Hopefully I get some good stories to tell.

August 01, 2009

I am going to be so screwed if/when I have a daughter in the future. When I’m teaching tennis, it’s just so difficult for me to be remotely mean to the girls, whereas I flip a shit on all the boys. So my daughter is going to end up being a little princess and I’m going to give her everything. Awesome.

Anyway, teaching tennis is actually really fun. And I’m starting to like children more; the ones who listen to what I say and improve, at least. Or maybe it’s just me getting older.

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As much as I am nervous, I’m starting to get more and more excited for college.

July 24, 2009

One month ago today, I essentially crossed the proverbial border to adulthood. It was nothing short of a perfect sendoff for me and my classmates of the past four or more years. The ominous clouds that hung over our heads were a reminder of our infamous eight grade moving up ceremony and we got rained on again. Nevertheless, we continued. In between Ken’s Pixar speech and Sohail’s “Oh crap" speech, we were handed our diplomas. It didn’t really even hit me that I’m a high school student no more until the moment the caps went flying. We really made it.

I made it through high school, but I still have a lot of doubts about whether or not I’m ready for what I have in store for me. Going into orientation, I had a lot of questions. Questions about how I would fit in socially, how successful I will be.

To be completely honest, I came out of orientation questioning if I belong at Boston College even more. I’m not the typical BC student, but I’ve spent the past few years trying to not follow the crowd and to be myself. Despite refusing to accept the normal lifestyle of a high school student or now a college student, I have got by with great friends and satisfaction that I am who I want to be and not part of a social equation. Hopefully this will carry through in college. Yes, the college student culture is to party hard, go to football games, etc.; essentially, drug, sex, and alcohol. I often find it saddening to see that people often lose their individuality towards fitting into this culture. During the Italy trip, I was told that there is no way for me to stay sober throughout college. I don’t quite understand why there is so much doubt that I can keep to my beliefs. We’ll see in four years how that time I didn’t spend getting wasted and recovering from hangovers affects me.

To answer the latter question, I really do not know. I still have no way to gauge the difficulty of my classes. The things that I do know, however, is that I know what I want to achieve. I’m pretty confident that high school has set me up to understand my abilities in the classroom and in the real world. After just reading Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture,” it is even clearer to me now that attaining success comes with hard work and persistence. Never be afraid of asking questions and always strive to learn more. I believe that that is something I can do. Whether or not it works…? We’ll see. But for now, I’m ready to face these challenges.

I’m really not completely sure what I want for myself and what I’m building my life up to. Sometimes, I feel that my life goal is to work my way up to an established company and be some kind of a revolutionary leader. Sometimes, I want to start my own legacy; create something new and build my own empire. Other times, I think it’ll just be easier to settle for a common life. But, honestly, I think what I’ll enjoy most and get the most satisfaction out of is going out and trying to accomplish something substantial. I don’t know what that something is but maybe over I’ll figure it out over the next four years. Like the speaker at orientation said, the next four years is basically dedicated to trying to discover myself. Who I am and what I want to do.

You know something I want to do? I want to sing and dance. I wish I had some kind of artistic talent. Dancing just looks so fun and ridiculously hot. And it’s so easy to show off. Singing just seems like such an amazing way to express your feelings. Too bad I can’t do either of these. Oh, well.

Right now, sitting here, my biggest hope and concern is to make great college friends. I mean, a part of discovering who I am comes from the people around me. Hopefully college ends up not being nearly as frightful as I’m making it out to be in my head. It’s just terrifying that there’s the possibility that I won’t fit into the place that I will be spending ten months in. Only time will tell…

July 5, 2009

Last night we stood at the Volterra wsll and lisyened to a jazz concert (first picture). It was very nice. At first I wasn't that into it, but I really started to love it afterwards. Reminded me of those nice jazz bars where people slow dance at.
Anyway , we left Volterra this morning and headed for San Gimignano, yet another small Tuscan town. We got what is supposed to be the world's bedt gelato. We walked around all the little stores in the area for a fee hours. (second picture is of downtown San Gimignano).
We got to florence a few hours later and did a brief walking tour, seeing the Duomo and some other nice sights. (third picture).
I'm excited for what we're going to see the next few days.

July 3, 2009 in Volterra

I went out this morning for a run in Volterra. This place is at the top of a hill and naturally the city is ridiculously hilly. That was an exhausting run. There were endless up hills runs that were 45 degrees up. Crazy.
We spent the rest of the day at a beach. The mediterranean is really salty. It was really fun. Sorry didn't get any pictures.
We just came back from a huuuge 8 course meal including cheese, meats, bread, pasta, a main course of various meats, cake, and coffee. It was a 2.5 hour meal. Good stuff.
I posted a picture of a scene in the town. Not a great picture but whatever.
I'll have pictures of the scene looking out from the city soon.

Rome Hotel

They say that European hotels are small. I didn't quite expect it to be this small...
We have a whole 2 inches between our two beds and I must have bruises from bumping into the walls while showering. But of course, we get a bidet.

(sorry this post was out of order)

July 2, 2009 1:30PM in Sienna

Forgot to take pictures of the nicer scenes in the city. Oh well. Sienna's beautiful though. And since today is the palio (horse race), there are tons of people everywhere. Great atmosphere.
Sienna's also where 007 Quantum of Solace was filmed. Awesome.

Going to Vienna this afternoon.

July 1, 2009 (night scenes of rome)

July 1, 2009 5:30PM (Rome)

Today was another awesome day. Again a ton of walking albeit not quite as much as yesterday. We toured the roman forums, which from certain angles were absolutely spactacular (first picture). Its amazing how advanced the roman civilization was thiusands of years ago. We then went to see the inside of the colliseum. Beautiful sight. Kind of hard to believe that I was actually inside the roman colloseum.
We are going to the spanish steps and the trevi fountain tonight. Hopefully the rain stops. There has been amazing weather so far until it started pouring about half an hour ago. Should be some nice sights if the weather gets better.

2009-06-29 12:30PM GMT (at Heathrow)

Arrived in London about an hour ago. Great flight. Heathrow is the nicest airport. Its more like a mall than a terminal. There are luxury stores everywhere and the cheapest souvenirs cost a fortune. Its also amazing that its so environmentally friendly here. Seems like the US is the only place that doesn't care about the environment. It also took us about 3 hours to find a sign that said Heathrow to take a picture with.

Next flight in about two hours. See you in ROME.

June 21, 2009

Three days until graduation. I remember back in the day when I looked at middle school students or high school students and I was impressed by how old they are, or how smart they are. It seems so strange that I’m beyond that now. I wonder how I would look at myself now if I were still that age. I remember when middle school teachers tried making high school sound so daunting. But now, I’ve made it through all that. And amongst all of the tough times with workload, friend drama, and other personal issues, I came out standing. In three days, I’m going to be walking to get my diploma. While for the most part it does not seem like a huge accomplishment because it has always been expected of me, it is a huge step towards greater achievements. Or at least that’s how it’s planned to be, though things don’t always go according to plan. We’ll see how things turn out.

For four years, I’ve been dying to get out of this school. It seems that the moment the euphoria of “whoaa I’m a high school student now” died off, it’s been a countdown to these next few days. But now, I have this sense of attachment. I want to keep these memories. I want to take this with me wherever I go in the future. Surprisingly, I’m going to miss all the late nights “studying” (a.k.a. late night conversations about anything but the material on the test), the countless study groups at BN, and even doing homework during class switches. I think that high school has turned me into a pretty good person. There are some social aspects I should probably work on, but that’s besides the point. High school has proved to me that for the most part, working hard does yield its results. I’m not lucky enough to be one of those people who simply “rock at life” and do not need to do anything to get everything, so I’ll just have to put my head down and out work others. Yes, I would much rather be out chilling with friends rather than studying for a test or writing an essay, but the potential of a good end result makes me realize that it is worth it. For example, while my friends were out  to the movies or bowling or bumming, I spent that time writing scholarship essays. I won several thousands of dollars. My friends, who had laughed at me for staying at home to write essays, did not. Also, I was able to make  up for lost times bumming later on for the most part. Things like that drive me to work harder and achieve more. This is the attitude I’m going to go into BC with and hopefully I come out even stronger.

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It’s been…a month?…since I last posted. Way too much has gone on since then. So here are some highlights.

Tennis: the team finishes the season with an indescribably pathetic record of 2-15. Why is this so ridiculous? Each individual position had at least five or six wins. How we accomplished that kind of a team record is pretty epic. Anyway. I had fun this season. It was weird being the senior leaving the team. I’m going to miss it an insane amount. I was the four year veteran. It felt practically like it was my team. I was a leader and I hope that I did my job of making people play hard every match no matter the circumstances. It’s always worth a try. Perhaps next year I’ll play intramural at BC. Who knows if I’ll make the team, but why not give it a try. By the way, the boys tennis team throws the best banquet of any sports team. Cluck-U at Smith Field. It’s a tradition. $95 worth of spicy chicken, cheese and gravy fries, and onion rings. Top that with a good game of whiffleball, basketball, and danger.

Classes: The last month of classes were such a joke. I’m pretty sure I slept through the majority of Berk’s classes. Yes, I love math. But do I honestly need to know so much calculus that we’re not allowed a few days off from learning every once in a while? …Physics was nice and relaxing, but probably just to me. Just like in calc, I slept through most of it. I felt bad for Doc. We were such a disrespectful class as a whole but hopefully that last month of her class didn’t completely destroy her view of me. …One class that I’m glad I’m done with: stat. It wasn’t so much the topic. It was an easy topic because for the most part it was just bs that someone made up. Babcock just got on my nerves. I couldn’t stand her anymore. Although, after taking the finals, I realized that she was the only teacher that fully prepared me for the AP test and the final. I guess being a successful teacher pays the price of not being liked. …French class. AP French. Now this is a class that I’m never going to forget. Get this: I had an average of ZERO. Epic. No other way to describe it. …Anyway, I’m glad that it’s all over. I will never take a high school course again. Success.

Skipping school for Six Flags: Broke my perfect attendance. Was it worth it? I’m not sure. It was a crazy fun day. But there’s always going to be some regret tied into it.

NHS Induction: It was nice. It was like a preview of graduation. Lots of pictures of the graduates in gowns. Good stuff.

Prom: You know how every girl starts planning their wedding when they’re five? Prom is almost like that. I can’t speak for others, but some part of me always told me that if I make it through high school, prom is going to be at the end of it. So essentially, I really looked forward to prom. The whole four months prior to the prom was a mess. I went from originally planning on going to Cape Cod to eventually going down the shore. That was a terrible situation and I felt horrible about it. No regrets though. No friendships hurt. Everyone had a good time. It turned out well for everyone. So I guess I’ll work backwards here. Post prom was very interesting to say the least. I’m never going to forget that epic hole we dug or the sober room. One of the greatest moments was when I was about to take my boxers off to go in the shower, the bathroom door bursts open and brown people come charging in. Drunk people are just too amusing, albeit it wasn’t a great experience having to see my friends drunk or on drugs, but I think I’ve learned to disregard it. They enjoy what they do, so they do it. I want no part of it, so I’ll just ignore it. It’s not my call what they do or don’t do. It would have been nice to have a clean house that didn’t smell like beer and smoke, but like I said before, no regrets. I had a great time and I’m glad I went down the shore. So now to the prom itself. It’s still hard to believe that it’s over. It wasn’t quite as huge as it was made out to be, still great nevertheless. I really wish that I danced or was more of a partier type of person. It would make these events so much easier. My favorite part of prom night was definitely pictures. I’m glad that I had a hot date. Even though I didn’t exactly dance with Jackie besides the few slow dances, it was nice going with her since I’ve spent the past four years thirsting over her. Basically just a good way to close it out. I can’t end a post about senior prom without some pictures.

 

Yeah, that was a good day and weekend. Not going to forget it. Just thinking back on it now makes me want to relive that weekend again. And it’s only been two weeks.

Last every calc study group: BN. Me. X. Dips. Naturally we end up taking pictures. 

All the other odds and ends made this month an eventful one. There was almost always a place to be. I like life that way. Keeps me busy.

May – June, 2009. Good month.

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My schedule for this next week is ridiculous. I was looking at my calendar and I was trying to plan what times I’m going to dedicate to sleeping. Hopefully depriving myself of sleep will be worth it. I’m sure this is going to be an unforgettable week.

And then…

One week from today, I’ll be in ITALY. Jesus that’s insane. Italy. Fourteen days. It’s gonna be legen – wait for it – dary. Legendary.

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There’s so much to look back on and reminisce. But there’s just as much if not more to look forward to.

I think I’m ready to do this. See you on the other side, Class of ‘09.

May 26, 2009

That was a weird dream last night. Seems too real to have been a dream.

Sigh. I miss you.
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A little less than a month left. So close.
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I understand why there are those crazy Star Trek fans who goes to conventions dressed as Vulcans now. Good movie.

May 13, 2009

AP testing is over. High school is winding down.

May 3, 2009- Quote of the Day (by myself)

Maybe we're like...the puzzle pieces to each other's lives
-Me

I should go write a book of corny pickup lines.

April 27, 2009

Dang, it's been a while.
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This whole college decision making has been pretty painful but that's done with. Making a decision that will indefinitely alter the whole course of your life is big. It is a scary situation that at the age of 18, I have just made a decision that will dictate the rest of my life.
The idea of making my parents pay all that money makes me wonder a lot about the burden that I will be putting upon them, but I do feel like the BC experience will be worth it.
Whoo.
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A lot's been going on lately, but the end is near. Just have to gut out a few more weeks. Take in the moment and never look back. There are a lot of things to enjoy in the near future (i.e. prom, graduation, project: graduation, Italy). Hopefully I make the best of those opportunities. In a few more months, I'll be packed up and off to the future.
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It's the beginning of the rest of my life. Here we go.

April 6, 2009

Why does prom have to be so annoying? It's one night. It's not going to be worth all this trouble.
But if everything plays out the way I see it in my head, then I will have:
1. been rejected by someone
2. got screwed over by the person who was supposed to be my date
3. my best friend going with who was supposed to be my backup date
and
4. ended up not going to prom

Whoo. Good stuff.

March 26, 2009

Smiling at the sight of that envelope, I reached in to feel the culmination of the work I have put into everything over the past ten years. I often had doubts about the purpose of working so hard and found the desire to just kick back and give up. Now I'm glad I didn't. It's not some HUGE accomplishment, but it just felt so good reading that letter to myself and knowing that some of the things I have done have really paid off. What a rush.
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Boston College '13
That doesn't look half bad.
Now just waiting on Carnegie Mellon and UPenn.

March 22, 2009- Interesting Weekend

Adventures. Spontaneity. Friends. Fun.
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Only with us do movie nights turn into excursions to meet someone new and sit around to talk at Livingston Starbucks after getting kicked out of another Starbucks because they apparently close. And only we drive aimlessly to a random exit on a highway, only to get off and end up in the same store that is five minutes from where we live. (It's okay, gas isn't expensive.) Only we eat a meal consisting of potatoes, ice cream, soda, and cupcakes. Healthy. We're special and people can think we're insane, but that's really okay.
And also, it really doesn't matter what we do because we had equally as much fun playing Taboo later on. It's just nice to spend time with enjoyable people.
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Meeting new people is definitely one of the most exciting things to do. It's like exposing yourself to new perspectives, different ideas, and more opportunities.
It's also a nice plus that she seems like a really good person and is really pretty. But then again, Kim's warning from a while ago scared me. So nevermind that.
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Quotes of the Weekend

"She keeps asking me to threeway with them."

"Do you know how to say harder in Chinese? I DO."

Me: "Your blank is Vin."
Vin: "CAR. name."
Me: "Her blank is Lil."
Vin: "Name!"
Lil: "NO VINCENZO YOUR NAME IS NOT VIN."

March 16, 2009

Why am I not what you want? I stand here with my arms open, ready to give everything you ask for, yet you look right past me. Tell me how to not be invisible to you.

March 12 - March 13, 2009 FBLA SLC

I always seem to give myself high expectations and yield no results. Life just happens to be like that for me, and it's really my own fault.
Anyway, the trip itself was not bad. We had fun playing video games and swimming and sitting in the sauna. It just wasn't too particularly exciting.
Every time I go on one of these trips, I tell myself that I'm going to go meet new people, and hopefully get a change of scenery. It would help me get my head out of the past and move on to some new things. But it just rarely works out. Maybe I just suck at making myself meet new people, but I think the opportunities never come to me. I should really learn how to put myself out there and open up to others; be more aggressive rather than passive (or lazy for that matter). Then perhaps I'll find someone likable every once in a while and get some new friends. That would be nice. Some new friends and a little bit of change every once in a while.
Networking is important in business. I need to get out there and start letting people know who I am. No matter exactly what this yields, there would be benefits.

March 11, 2009

...and when I finally see the end to this endless chase, I will smack myself...

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Tennis is ridiculously fun, especially when you win. But just to get on the court and pull the ball, see the topspin, make that lefty hook drop shot tailing away from the opponent's backhand, bomb a first serve, slam a jump backhand and just simply reach back to smack an inside out winner is so thrilling.
It's good to be back on court. After two years of singles experience, I've come to realize that while I may not have the best strokes, I can outsmart my opponents. I have the game plan, I have the ability to see my opponent's weaknesses and to make my own adjustments, and I have the variety of strokes to throw my opponent off balance. As I have watched games on TV, I have grown. And within this maturation process, I now know that that power-hitting swaggering lefty that walked into tennis tryouts expecting to win on pure brute force was just plain stupid. Tennis is a game of intelligence and strategy as much as it is about athleticism.
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FBLA SLC tomorrow.

March 2, 2009

It's amazing how almost every moment I think back to, I can find something that I now regret.

February 28, 2009

Last night was the Montville volleyball tournament. I decided that I really love volleyball. It's so ridiculously fun, but too bad I strained an elbow ligament and am in pain now a week before tennis season starts. Eh, I'll survive. And I'm not even going to get started on the organization and ref at the tournament. At least the food was good.
I decided last night that I'm more athletic than I make myself out to be. I have been able to pick up pretty much every sport that I have been exposed to, except for basketball. I'm scrappy.
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As a testament to how boring of a town Parsippany is, a group of us had to resort to sitting in Vincenzo's car talking for over an hour after circling around town not being able to find anything to do. But it was nice. Random conversations are always good. Until I say something awkward and kill it, but oh wells. And then there's this:

We're going to have a completely spontaneous day....I'll plan it.
-Vincenzo Rispol

Funny stuff.
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I'm really curious about the end outcome of prom: who's going to go with who, who's going to end up in who's house, etc. It's funny how quickly things change. I hate how people cannot stay committed to a decision. Commitment, or lack thereof, apparently is an universal flaw of everyone I know. Kind of sucks when you're looking for a girlfriend and...yeah.
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Baseball season!

February 25, 2009

People won't remember what you said to them, people won't remember what you did with them, but people will always remember the way you make them feel.

One of the speakers from the Iron-Hills Sportsmanship Summit said this. While I went in skeptical of the purpose of this conference, I honestly came out with a few things; some sports-related, some life-related. After the guy said this quote, it made me think a lot about the important people in my life - good friends, family - and it's hard not to agree. While I do often remember specific things people do or say, what helps me to remember these things is the way I felt in the moment. Thinking about this brought me back to so many good memories and it makes me wonder whether or not I'll ever feel the same again.
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As for the sports-related aspect of the conference, what I took from it wasn't anything new; it was just a reminder of all the things I should be doing on court every day. Have confidence. I know I'm a good player despite being an underdog. If I am just a little more confident and hit each shot with more conviction, I could potentially unleash whatever potential I have. Play against the game, not the opponent. This is something I really need to work on. It takes two people to play and both players are aiming for a shared goal. One will get it, one won't, but that's the point of the game. Eh, not sure that's exactly what I wanted to say, but that's as good as I can put it in words.
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I'm more excited than ever for the season. Yes, we're underdogs. We were also underdogs last year and we still managed a good season. If each of us just play just a little bit harder than we normally would each day, we have the chance to become of something. It's going to be fun. And I think I have my start-of-the-season pep talk ready.

February 19, 2009

This is just going to torture me until I do it. But I can't myself to.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I wanna come to
I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
-Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg

February 17, 2009

I think I'm going to do it. I have no confidence that it'll work out well, but I think it's time to try. If I get a "no," then I'll know for sure to that it's time to move on for good. That'd probably be better for me to know anyway. To always be guessing is pretty painful; having to try to figure out what she's feeling or thinking every time I say or do something hurts whenever I realize that I could be offering myself a ton of false hopes. And if I get a "yes," then I can't imagine how happy I'd be after years of this chase. Now I just need to find the right time to do it. Maybe I should just go spontaneous; just let the question fly when the right moment seems to come.
It really is about time.

I'll try
-Barney Stinson, HIMYM

February 16, 2009 - Epic Ski Trip

Overview (in order of what comes to mind at the moment):
-I can now tell people I have been on a double black diamond. And it wasn't even bad.
-I did not fall once. I came close a few times, but I saved myself.
-All my bad luck seems to be gone. But it's been transferred to my friends. (Shiv lost his keys, Kalvin broke his skis; basically what happened to me on that last trip)
-I think I might try to learn how to snowboard the next time I go, despite seeing everyone floundering in their attempts this time.
-Red Robin makes the best burgers in the world.
-I seem to have endless energy. When everyone was ready to crash, I still wanted to ski more.
-Ski trips in large groups are more fun than with small groups. I don't understand how people can just take a whole day to ski by themselves.
-I apparently look like a monster when I try running in skis.
-Floater are really annoying. And they can just appear randomly.
-Jackie, Vin, and Kim all fell asleep on the ride back. I ended up singing to myself.
-I found the keys that I lost last time. Amazing luck much?
-I am absolutely brilliant for bringing hot water and cup noodles. =D
-All that drama before the trip was so unnecessary. No one even cared once we got there and was ready to have fun.
-Ice and powder make for a very bad skiing combination.
-While I feel bad for Kush about his window, he's an idiot for driving that fast.
-I wish I spent more time with certain people, but I guess the last few runs made up for that.

Awesome day. But now my brain's gone to mush and school is a day away.

February 15, 2009

So those hints that they drop. Why can't they be more obvious? Ugh, why am I giving myself false hope anyway?
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I have a, probably irrational, anger towards him. Mainly for what he's doing to her and also for his response to everything. I find it hard to believe that a person who had supposedly given his heart and soul could let a stupid mistake such as this end everything. And then some of the things he apparently said and asked of her afterward just bugs me in that it seems so disrespectful, inconsiderate, and and simply dick. To me, he seems to have become nothing more than just another guy. She doesn't think so, and since she obviously knows him much better then I'll take her word for it. I just really don't want him to hurt her anymore.
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It is amazing how much drama planning a ski trip can cause. Sigh.

February 9, 2009

So after "the breakup," I told myself to be less clingy. To give people more space. To not let my infatuations run too wild. No one wants to be suffocated; it's not the recipe to be like...by you, which apparently is what I want, or anyone else.
But now this past week, I've again been doing the same thing that I've always done. And I'd think that I must have been pretty annoying. I'm sorry.
It's undeniable that somehow or another you're the one I can't get over. I guess that could get annoying.

February 8, 2009

So what exactly is it that I have done now? Have I not spent the past eighteen years of my life trying to be a good person? A successful person? I'm not a bum. I work hard to get what I want. I try to rely as little as possible on other people because I like to earn what I get. So what is it about me that's not good enough for my parents?
Over the past few months I've tried my hardest to ween myself off of any reliance on my parents. Of course there's the normal necessities, but anything that I want just because I want it or because I want to enjoy my life once in a while, I will try my best to get it myself.
So when I ask my father to borrow his credit card so I can order a protector for my cell phone (which I was going to pay him back for), he slams the card at me, sighs, turns his back on me and walks out. I hand him his card back with a $20 and he says "I don't want your money" and leaves the room. First of all, I had asked him to order this for me a month ago, and he never did. Second, it was on sale for 50%. So this set me off on a rampage. He's been pissed at me this whole weekend. For what? I can't figure out. And he's the kind of person who will just be mad at you, show you that he's mad at you, but never tell you why he's mad at you even if you ask. So I'm left here wondering what it is that I did wrong this time. Is it that after a week of studying and doing homework until 3AM daily, I go out an enjoy myself for a day? Is it that I enjoy life more than he can because he's such a tight collared jerk? He needs to fucking loosen up. Dad, ever wonder why you have no friends? Maybe it's because anytime anyone tries to have the remotest bit of fun, you go off and somehow kill everything. I can't take it anymore.
I'm not a high maintenance lazy bum like my brother is. I'm not the one who's always a jerk to my mother. I've respected my parents. I've felt gratitude towards them. I may not always show it explicitly, but that's the reason why I don't want to rely on them anymore. I'm a grown person, I can handle myself and not have to spend their money or waste their time. Yet I'm the one who somehow always gets targeted by some sort of anger. WHY?
One day, they will realize that they pissed off the wrong son. The one who has some sort of work ethic and potential to become anything in the future.

*I really did not want to bash my brother, but it just pisses me off that he's somehow always preferred. And I don't understand that.

February 8, 2009

Hallucinating is interesting.

February 8, 2009

Maybe our heroes never existed; we just dreamed them into existence and refused to acknowledge their flaws until it was far too late.
-R.A.B.

Everyone has their flaws and everyone will have tough times. But it is how the person picks himself up from these flaws and tough times that can define him as a hero.

February 6, 2009 - Most Eventful Day of My Life

Crazy.
I have never done so much in one day. It was a really enjoyable day. I had been excited for this day for a while, but I didn't think it'd be this eventful.
I just wish that everyone would stop thinking that everyone hates each other or actually hating each other and not letting them know. Or some variation of hating and assuming. It drives me insane. And it makes me really not be able to wait to go to college and get away from all of it.
But then again, I guess this is all part of the fun. Seriously, I feel like just out of this group of friends, we can make a TV show. If someone can really look deep into each little partition or group of people and all the interactions, it would be incredibly interesting.
So anyhow, I guess that's a part of what makes each day so fun, even if it does annoy me. Anyway. Here goes today's rundown of events: school, lunch, mall, hospital, random stores, tennis, gong show, Vin's, dinner. Honestly, each one of those felt like a day. And I cannot remember going to school at all.
Going shopping (kind of) with Jackie today made me wonder why guys hate shopping so much. I really don't mind it. I'm not going to go shopping over playing tennis or something, but it could be turned into a fun activity I suppose.
The hospital. I'm really upset that we didn't go the past few years. We didn't see too much today, but what I did see makes me want to push even harder to help out. I cannot relate at all with the people who were in some devastating injury or born with diseases, but just the fact that they can keep moving on with their lives, try to get better and do the best they can to live the same life they had before, I respect them. When I think about what I would do if I were to lose a leg or an arm, I realize that I would not want to live anymore. I would have nothing to live for. The things that I love doing, I can't do anymore. But there are people out there who actually suffer through this and are able to move on and do their best to the things they loved doing before. Maybe I'm rambling, but this really is how I feel.
Visiting the hospital was also really nice in that now when I think about the hospital, I don't think about it being a Key Club fundraiser. I think about all the children there, the staff, the families of the patients. There's so much more meaning to it. Hopefully I'll be able to do something good for them soon.
Tennis. I dislike children who seem nice and quiet and well behaved (I dislike most of them in general, but this especially), and once they know you better, they start acting up. They need to realize that they're not funny. DEATH.
The GONG SHOW. It was pretty epic. It made me feel depressed that I don't have any presentable talents such as singing or dancing. But it's okay. It's nice to watch and listen and enjoy. I'm really proud of Tiff and Lil and Christina and Titas and everyone else who performed. :-) Sweet job!
And then there was dinner, where I felt like everyone was really tired and somewhat on the cranky side. But s'all good.
I didn't have a minute's worth of free time today. Literally. But it was great.
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Scratch what I said yesterday about hitting a wall on the concert. I felt like within a day, all of that turned and there's just so much more hope for it to happen. And when it does, it's going to be big. We're going to make a difference. And it'll be legendary.
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I saw this quote from Yankee's reliever Brian Bruney: "I thought it was time to figure things out and really do what I know I can do. I don't want to be one of those up-and-down guys, great one day and horrible the next. I want to be consistently good."
I can't even remember exactly why this quote felt so meaningful when I first read it, but it's good. It shows growth. It shows new-found maturity. I think I'm at the point where I'm almost able to figure some things out and once I do, it'll be good for me and who I become.
I guess one of these changes is, as I was talking to Tiff about earlier, that I stopped caring about what people think of me. And quite honestly, it's been one of the greatest realization/change that I have made. I can be more free. Be who I want to be and not who I think other people want to be. It's like breaking out of a shell and being who I really am. And it's made me feel much better about myself.
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Alright, that's all for now.

February 5, 2009

It's been kind of slow lately. Without all that homework and college apps and school stress (I actually think the lack of stress is helping me do better in school...odd), I really should find something new to do. I'm not sure what though. I've been spending a lot more time lately working out (running two to three miles a day on the treadmill, push ups, sit ups, etc.) but that's not really enough. I need to find something of substance to occupy my time. Something else that I can do without feeling like it's purposeless. This will be less of a problem once the tennis season comes, which I can't wait for. I really should start practicing. Being in shape doesn't help my game much. Yeah, I'm going to get on that.
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We're going to visit Children's Specialized Hospital tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited. We've donated a decent amount of money to them over the years and it'd be nice to put a face to the name. Jackie and I are making cards for the kids there later. Fun stuff.
It's strange how Key Club's recently shot itself up my list of priorities. I mean, I've always been dedicated to it and wanted to do everything to make it better, but recently, I have been really want to do more, go beyond the normal. I don't lie when I write about how much Key Club has changed me and made me grow over the past four years in scholarship and college essays. It's just lately, I have wanted to make myself more useful to the community. This may sound selfish, but it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not only always taking from everyone. I've come to a point in my life when I realized I need to give back. In a way, I'm also trying to prove to myself that I'm not that heartless person everyone thinks I am and also that I can be a good leader when I dedicate myself to it.
I feel like this concert we're trying to do is starting to hit a wall. The bands are coming along, but the provisions we need to meet seem out of our reach. But then again, this concert was supposed to go well beyond our reach. I'm not going to stop trying until I get a definitive "no."
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I can't wait for baseball season to start. It'll give me something to watch at nights. And hopefully I'll be in a real fantasy baseball league this year. That should be fun.

February 1, 2009

I wish I had a chance.

February 1, 2009

Throughout the past three years, despite all the things happening in between, somehow I feel like I always go back to liking the same person. The one girl I have no chance with. Not being pessimistic, just realistic. Even after every time I finally get over her, find a reason to move on, I end up right back with my sights set on her. I don't know why, but she's just always fun to be with, never makes me feel unwanted. Whenever I'm down, she's probably one of my favorite person to talk to. She'll always try to make me feel better and never seems to judge me for anything. I don't think I've ever had an un-enjoyable time with her. Including yesterday. The chats we had during the drive was fun like all the other ones we have had in the past. It's never anything really special, but they're always nice.
I like these intimate one-on-one times together. Not just with her, but with anyone. They're so much more meaningful than being with thirty people but not really given the opportunity to have an extraordinary time with any one person. I obviously value different things in friendships than many other people, but I think I'd much rather have a few great friends than a ton not good ones.
Anyway, back to her. A few days ago I wrote about having someone who can take my breath away. After dropping her off yesterday, seeing her wave and her bright smile from her door made me want to smile back just as big.
She's...
...awesome.

I just wish I had a chance.

February 1, 2009

TWO WORDS. RAFA OWNAGE.

January 30, 2009

This week went by quickly, but it felt long in terms of how much work I had. It's amazing how I can put so much work into certain things and yet still fail. Maybe not fail, but feel less than accomplished. Such is my life.

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My birthday wasn't anything really special. Nothing exciting. Lots of "happy birthday"s, from acquaintances on Facebook more than anyone else. A cake. Some money. Good money actually. A hundred and sixty dollars worth of money. Though it was combined with Chinese New Year red envelope money. Still nice. I guess my mother forgot about our tirade the evening before.
Being eighteen doesn't seem like anything special. Until I tell people that I'm eighteen. That's when I realized how old I am. Do younger kids really look at me the way I used to look at eighteen year olds?
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The Australian Open has been going on. I've probably watched and followed this tournament more than any other before and it really is incredibly to watch them. It makes me want to play so badly. It makes me want to be good. It makes me want the to feel success; to be able to scream in joy, pump my fists, and let euphoria run through me. To be able to do this:

It gives me chills whenever I see a person take in every moment of something after succeeding something they put so much effort into. I can't imagine what it feels like. But I'm really hoping one day, there will be something that I can just lay back and smile about. Something that I work hard to achieve and I would assume that that's the best feeling in the world. I hope.

And there's this guy:

I've come to realize lately how much I love underdogs. To just burst out on the scene and deliver everything you have with confidence, perseverance, and heart. I mean, this guy, Verdasco, he's never been past the fourth round of a grand slam event. He comes to Aussie fitter than ever and prepared to play. He had his heart set on making a good run. And he sure made one hell of a run. I'm sure in his mind, he never had a seconds worth of doubt in his ability, in his potential. He remade himself. He didn't let his past record scare him away from being successful now. I give this guy a lot of credit and my respect. He's an inspiration.
I guess, in a way, that's what I want to do with myself. Forget my failure-and-bad-luck-filled past. Restart. I suppose that this whole new workout routine that I'm committing myself to is part of that. Like Verdasco, maybe I can go into the tennis season fitter than ever. Unlock some of the potential I know I have. Then again, all of this comes with practice, practice, practice. Being in shape is one thing. Knowing how to play is another. And I'm not sure I have the resources to truly unlock this potential. But I'll work at it. Once I find someone who wants to play with me.
Back to the underdog idea. My life has always seemed to me as if it's some sort of a failure. I have never really been able to achieve as much as I strive for. Mainly, it is because I never truly put my mind to something to be the best that I can be. So in this sense, I feel like my life is one big unlocked potential. In every thing I do, I feel like I'm the underdog, which I may be. But my mentality of being the underdog restricts me. I walk in feeling inferior and therefore, I am. Yes, I believe that existence comes before essence, but having the mentality would give me one less force to fight against. And because of this, all of these underdog stories are truly inspiring. It gives me the hope that I can do more if I work for it.

I think it's time for some change. Class pessimist no more? We'll see.

January 25, 2009

I'm really tired of being nagged at by my parents. They overreact at every little thing and it's just so annoying. I just really need to go to college, get out of this place. I want to do what I want to do, without the strings attached, without having to think about what my parents are going to nag about next. I am really dying for Italy and then college. Where I can let myself be who I really am. I don't even know what I'm saying. I just want to be able to do what I want to do without being judged by them. I don't even mind other people's judgements as much. It's just my parents. They're always there trying to restrict me. AUGHHHHHHHHHH.
Okay, I'm done.

January 25, 2009

Today was my aunt's 50th birthday; happy birthday to her. She's always been my favorite =). Anyway, so I went to the city with my family and we had a really good birthday dinner; for her and for me. It was nice. Great Korean food; BBQ and all. And because I was in a really grouchy mood earlier in the day to my parents, I felt really bad. You know, as I'm writing this, I just realized that this is probably the last birthday I'll spend with my family. That's an upsetting thought, and I feel pretty bad considering how my wanting to spend my birthday with my family was more of an afterthought since I wanted to spend it with my friends.
This brings me to another thought: my relationship with my parents. I was thinking about this all day, mainly on the rides to and from the city. I have this constant anger towards my parents. For what, I can't quite figure out. They always seem to annoy me and the littlest thing they do that's not to my favor, I find myself swirling in rage. But then, I can have a great time with them too. I can't quite tell if it's my problem or theirs. Whatever it is, it's difficult to understand.
And then, about my dad. I've realized the last few days how similar we are. In a bad way. I realized that most of the things that I hate about my father reflects exactly how I am. I'm just a slightly dulled down version of all the bad things in my dad's personality. The pessimism. My father's a fiery pit of darkness and he sees everything as negatively as possible. Much worse than I am. The anger. The constant annoyance. He's so easily annoyed and it's really scary when he gets annoyed. I really should try changing who I am. But it's not like I can just rewrite the personality born into my genetics. I think I can make myself a better person though. There's some change in need.
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I've been trying to get myself more motivated to do work. I guess it's working since I finished my calc project, finished up some other homework and practice violin today working around dinner in the city. I guess this is a little too late to help me in terms of college, but I'm sure being more motivated will benefit me eventually.
I'm also trying to be more cultured. Read more. Watch more movies. I've watched a lot of movies lately, and most of the time I can take something from them. This book I've been reading is just taking me forever. I don't even know why. But I'm going to finish it by tomorrow night.
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I need someone to like. Someone to occupy my thoughts so I don't get sucked into the past. Someone who takes my breath away when I see them, talk to them, think about them. Something for me to strive for. To start the chase again.

January 24, 2009

So I've been saying for a while now that I wanted to create some kind of a blog/journal, just to write. To get my feelings out or just for memory's sake. I created a new Xanga because this is supposed to be more of a "private" thing, but if any of you come across it, you might find out some things about me that I normally don't show.
Ruth was just talking about Kush's Xanga, which I then went to read. It's weird how people can change. Just two months ago, he was wowed by the fact that I can even want a serious relationship and said that he could never do it. Now it seems like he really wants her.
Maybe it comes with maturity. Not everything's just fun and games anymore. I wish people would understand that more. That things should be taken more seriously and not just thrown aside as if we are free of responsibility. As each of us near the age of eighteen, when we become legal and can no longer be held in the hands of our parents, reality needs to smack us in the face. I can't do things, get in trouble, and disregard it a few days later as simply a "lesson learned." I am my actions. And if I am to define myself as the person I hope to become, then I need to make my actions now worthwhile, thought out.
Anyway, back to my thoughts on Kush. If he sincerely has feelings for her, then good for him. I was never able to understand guys who "sleep around," and I hope I will never stoop so low as to letting myself understand it. I can't do things just because. If I make a commitment, I will stay committed and carry it out to the best of my ability. Right now, I am still deciding if this is such a great quality, because I feel like it came back to bite me in the ass when I was with Catalina.
It's been over a month since we broke up, but it hasn't been until recently that I've really been thinking about it. The last week or so. On Saturday, I was talking to Rodante about relationships and that at our point in life, relationships really need its space. That's where my commitment came back to bite me. I was probably overly attached and couldn't let myself find our differences and settle them. Relationship needs compromises right? We never had to make these compromises because it was always "If you're happy, I'm happy" on her part, and nothing but trying to make her happy on my part. I don't know. I still don't understand relationships well, but every experience is an experience.
Speaking of Catalina, I do miss her a lot. Not even the relationship. Just her; her presence; her friendship. I was talking to Tiff the other night about having flashbacks and trying to live in the past. The last few days, I have been having these flashbacks. Usually to the conversations Catalina and I would have sitting in my car in her driveway whenever I bring her home. And to the late night conversations we would have in the time that she claimed to be "letting her hair dry" before I asked her out. Those were good. But I guess it's stupid thinking about them now. There's no going back. Don't get me wrong. I'm not not over her. I just miss those moments. I'm sure anyone in my position would miss those things.
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I'm kind of upset that no one, including my family, really wants to do anything for my eighteenth birthday. I'm not sure if it has been overshadowed by Chinese New Year being on the same day, or that no one remembers. Whatever the case, it's not making me feel too awesome about myself.
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All this existentialism stuff we've been constantly talking about in English has really gotten to me. I have actually been thinking about the meaning of life. Why we're here. Why we do what we do. But then in the end, (based on existentialism) these thoughts actually don't exist because I'm not doing anything about them. There's no action to back them. But honestly, what can I do about them? I'm not going to just decide that because I don't want to work, I'll just stop doing work. I still think existentialism is somewhat absurd. There are so many holes in the ideas. There isn't even a way to justify an existentialist considering that nothing matters, nothing has meaning. I originally thought that a true existentialist would commit suicide, but with more thought on it, I realized that there would be no point for the person to commit suicide. It's just such an annoying never ending circle in which nothing can explain anything because nothing matters. So dead or alive, it's all the same. So why bother killing yourself? Now I have confused myself.
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Wow I feel like I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff with no real substance. Hums. Oh well