February 28, 2009

Last night was the Montville volleyball tournament. I decided that I really love volleyball. It's so ridiculously fun, but too bad I strained an elbow ligament and am in pain now a week before tennis season starts. Eh, I'll survive. And I'm not even going to get started on the organization and ref at the tournament. At least the food was good.
I decided last night that I'm more athletic than I make myself out to be. I have been able to pick up pretty much every sport that I have been exposed to, except for basketball. I'm scrappy.
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As a testament to how boring of a town Parsippany is, a group of us had to resort to sitting in Vincenzo's car talking for over an hour after circling around town not being able to find anything to do. But it was nice. Random conversations are always good. Until I say something awkward and kill it, but oh wells. And then there's this:

We're going to have a completely spontaneous day....I'll plan it.
-Vincenzo Rispol

Funny stuff.
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I'm really curious about the end outcome of prom: who's going to go with who, who's going to end up in who's house, etc. It's funny how quickly things change. I hate how people cannot stay committed to a decision. Commitment, or lack thereof, apparently is an universal flaw of everyone I know. Kind of sucks when you're looking for a girlfriend and...yeah.
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Baseball season!

February 25, 2009

People won't remember what you said to them, people won't remember what you did with them, but people will always remember the way you make them feel.

One of the speakers from the Iron-Hills Sportsmanship Summit said this. While I went in skeptical of the purpose of this conference, I honestly came out with a few things; some sports-related, some life-related. After the guy said this quote, it made me think a lot about the important people in my life - good friends, family - and it's hard not to agree. While I do often remember specific things people do or say, what helps me to remember these things is the way I felt in the moment. Thinking about this brought me back to so many good memories and it makes me wonder whether or not I'll ever feel the same again.
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As for the sports-related aspect of the conference, what I took from it wasn't anything new; it was just a reminder of all the things I should be doing on court every day. Have confidence. I know I'm a good player despite being an underdog. If I am just a little more confident and hit each shot with more conviction, I could potentially unleash whatever potential I have. Play against the game, not the opponent. This is something I really need to work on. It takes two people to play and both players are aiming for a shared goal. One will get it, one won't, but that's the point of the game. Eh, not sure that's exactly what I wanted to say, but that's as good as I can put it in words.
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I'm more excited than ever for the season. Yes, we're underdogs. We were also underdogs last year and we still managed a good season. If each of us just play just a little bit harder than we normally would each day, we have the chance to become of something. It's going to be fun. And I think I have my start-of-the-season pep talk ready.

February 19, 2009

This is just going to torture me until I do it. But I can't myself to.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I wanna come to
I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
-Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg

February 17, 2009

I think I'm going to do it. I have no confidence that it'll work out well, but I think it's time to try. If I get a "no," then I'll know for sure to that it's time to move on for good. That'd probably be better for me to know anyway. To always be guessing is pretty painful; having to try to figure out what she's feeling or thinking every time I say or do something hurts whenever I realize that I could be offering myself a ton of false hopes. And if I get a "yes," then I can't imagine how happy I'd be after years of this chase. Now I just need to find the right time to do it. Maybe I should just go spontaneous; just let the question fly when the right moment seems to come.
It really is about time.

I'll try
-Barney Stinson, HIMYM

February 16, 2009 - Epic Ski Trip

Overview (in order of what comes to mind at the moment):
-I can now tell people I have been on a double black diamond. And it wasn't even bad.
-I did not fall once. I came close a few times, but I saved myself.
-All my bad luck seems to be gone. But it's been transferred to my friends. (Shiv lost his keys, Kalvin broke his skis; basically what happened to me on that last trip)
-I think I might try to learn how to snowboard the next time I go, despite seeing everyone floundering in their attempts this time.
-Red Robin makes the best burgers in the world.
-I seem to have endless energy. When everyone was ready to crash, I still wanted to ski more.
-Ski trips in large groups are more fun than with small groups. I don't understand how people can just take a whole day to ski by themselves.
-I apparently look like a monster when I try running in skis.
-Floater are really annoying. And they can just appear randomly.
-Jackie, Vin, and Kim all fell asleep on the ride back. I ended up singing to myself.
-I found the keys that I lost last time. Amazing luck much?
-I am absolutely brilliant for bringing hot water and cup noodles. =D
-All that drama before the trip was so unnecessary. No one even cared once we got there and was ready to have fun.
-Ice and powder make for a very bad skiing combination.
-While I feel bad for Kush about his window, he's an idiot for driving that fast.
-I wish I spent more time with certain people, but I guess the last few runs made up for that.

Awesome day. But now my brain's gone to mush and school is a day away.

February 15, 2009

So those hints that they drop. Why can't they be more obvious? Ugh, why am I giving myself false hope anyway?
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I have a, probably irrational, anger towards him. Mainly for what he's doing to her and also for his response to everything. I find it hard to believe that a person who had supposedly given his heart and soul could let a stupid mistake such as this end everything. And then some of the things he apparently said and asked of her afterward just bugs me in that it seems so disrespectful, inconsiderate, and and simply dick. To me, he seems to have become nothing more than just another guy. She doesn't think so, and since she obviously knows him much better then I'll take her word for it. I just really don't want him to hurt her anymore.
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It is amazing how much drama planning a ski trip can cause. Sigh.

February 9, 2009

So after "the breakup," I told myself to be less clingy. To give people more space. To not let my infatuations run too wild. No one wants to be suffocated; it's not the recipe to be like...by you, which apparently is what I want, or anyone else.
But now this past week, I've again been doing the same thing that I've always done. And I'd think that I must have been pretty annoying. I'm sorry.
It's undeniable that somehow or another you're the one I can't get over. I guess that could get annoying.

February 8, 2009

So what exactly is it that I have done now? Have I not spent the past eighteen years of my life trying to be a good person? A successful person? I'm not a bum. I work hard to get what I want. I try to rely as little as possible on other people because I like to earn what I get. So what is it about me that's not good enough for my parents?
Over the past few months I've tried my hardest to ween myself off of any reliance on my parents. Of course there's the normal necessities, but anything that I want just because I want it or because I want to enjoy my life once in a while, I will try my best to get it myself.
So when I ask my father to borrow his credit card so I can order a protector for my cell phone (which I was going to pay him back for), he slams the card at me, sighs, turns his back on me and walks out. I hand him his card back with a $20 and he says "I don't want your money" and leaves the room. First of all, I had asked him to order this for me a month ago, and he never did. Second, it was on sale for 50%. So this set me off on a rampage. He's been pissed at me this whole weekend. For what? I can't figure out. And he's the kind of person who will just be mad at you, show you that he's mad at you, but never tell you why he's mad at you even if you ask. So I'm left here wondering what it is that I did wrong this time. Is it that after a week of studying and doing homework until 3AM daily, I go out an enjoy myself for a day? Is it that I enjoy life more than he can because he's such a tight collared jerk? He needs to fucking loosen up. Dad, ever wonder why you have no friends? Maybe it's because anytime anyone tries to have the remotest bit of fun, you go off and somehow kill everything. I can't take it anymore.
I'm not a high maintenance lazy bum like my brother is. I'm not the one who's always a jerk to my mother. I've respected my parents. I've felt gratitude towards them. I may not always show it explicitly, but that's the reason why I don't want to rely on them anymore. I'm a grown person, I can handle myself and not have to spend their money or waste their time. Yet I'm the one who somehow always gets targeted by some sort of anger. WHY?
One day, they will realize that they pissed off the wrong son. The one who has some sort of work ethic and potential to become anything in the future.

*I really did not want to bash my brother, but it just pisses me off that he's somehow always preferred. And I don't understand that.

February 8, 2009

Hallucinating is interesting.

February 8, 2009

Maybe our heroes never existed; we just dreamed them into existence and refused to acknowledge their flaws until it was far too late.
-R.A.B.

Everyone has their flaws and everyone will have tough times. But it is how the person picks himself up from these flaws and tough times that can define him as a hero.

February 6, 2009 - Most Eventful Day of My Life

Crazy.
I have never done so much in one day. It was a really enjoyable day. I had been excited for this day for a while, but I didn't think it'd be this eventful.
I just wish that everyone would stop thinking that everyone hates each other or actually hating each other and not letting them know. Or some variation of hating and assuming. It drives me insane. And it makes me really not be able to wait to go to college and get away from all of it.
But then again, I guess this is all part of the fun. Seriously, I feel like just out of this group of friends, we can make a TV show. If someone can really look deep into each little partition or group of people and all the interactions, it would be incredibly interesting.
So anyhow, I guess that's a part of what makes each day so fun, even if it does annoy me. Anyway. Here goes today's rundown of events: school, lunch, mall, hospital, random stores, tennis, gong show, Vin's, dinner. Honestly, each one of those felt like a day. And I cannot remember going to school at all.
Going shopping (kind of) with Jackie today made me wonder why guys hate shopping so much. I really don't mind it. I'm not going to go shopping over playing tennis or something, but it could be turned into a fun activity I suppose.
The hospital. I'm really upset that we didn't go the past few years. We didn't see too much today, but what I did see makes me want to push even harder to help out. I cannot relate at all with the people who were in some devastating injury or born with diseases, but just the fact that they can keep moving on with their lives, try to get better and do the best they can to live the same life they had before, I respect them. When I think about what I would do if I were to lose a leg or an arm, I realize that I would not want to live anymore. I would have nothing to live for. The things that I love doing, I can't do anymore. But there are people out there who actually suffer through this and are able to move on and do their best to the things they loved doing before. Maybe I'm rambling, but this really is how I feel.
Visiting the hospital was also really nice in that now when I think about the hospital, I don't think about it being a Key Club fundraiser. I think about all the children there, the staff, the families of the patients. There's so much more meaning to it. Hopefully I'll be able to do something good for them soon.
Tennis. I dislike children who seem nice and quiet and well behaved (I dislike most of them in general, but this especially), and once they know you better, they start acting up. They need to realize that they're not funny. DEATH.
The GONG SHOW. It was pretty epic. It made me feel depressed that I don't have any presentable talents such as singing or dancing. But it's okay. It's nice to watch and listen and enjoy. I'm really proud of Tiff and Lil and Christina and Titas and everyone else who performed. :-) Sweet job!
And then there was dinner, where I felt like everyone was really tired and somewhat on the cranky side. But s'all good.
I didn't have a minute's worth of free time today. Literally. But it was great.
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Scratch what I said yesterday about hitting a wall on the concert. I felt like within a day, all of that turned and there's just so much more hope for it to happen. And when it does, it's going to be big. We're going to make a difference. And it'll be legendary.
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I saw this quote from Yankee's reliever Brian Bruney: "I thought it was time to figure things out and really do what I know I can do. I don't want to be one of those up-and-down guys, great one day and horrible the next. I want to be consistently good."
I can't even remember exactly why this quote felt so meaningful when I first read it, but it's good. It shows growth. It shows new-found maturity. I think I'm at the point where I'm almost able to figure some things out and once I do, it'll be good for me and who I become.
I guess one of these changes is, as I was talking to Tiff about earlier, that I stopped caring about what people think of me. And quite honestly, it's been one of the greatest realization/change that I have made. I can be more free. Be who I want to be and not who I think other people want to be. It's like breaking out of a shell and being who I really am. And it's made me feel much better about myself.
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Alright, that's all for now.

February 5, 2009

It's been kind of slow lately. Without all that homework and college apps and school stress (I actually think the lack of stress is helping me do better in school...odd), I really should find something new to do. I'm not sure what though. I've been spending a lot more time lately working out (running two to three miles a day on the treadmill, push ups, sit ups, etc.) but that's not really enough. I need to find something of substance to occupy my time. Something else that I can do without feeling like it's purposeless. This will be less of a problem once the tennis season comes, which I can't wait for. I really should start practicing. Being in shape doesn't help my game much. Yeah, I'm going to get on that.
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We're going to visit Children's Specialized Hospital tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited. We've donated a decent amount of money to them over the years and it'd be nice to put a face to the name. Jackie and I are making cards for the kids there later. Fun stuff.
It's strange how Key Club's recently shot itself up my list of priorities. I mean, I've always been dedicated to it and wanted to do everything to make it better, but recently, I have been really want to do more, go beyond the normal. I don't lie when I write about how much Key Club has changed me and made me grow over the past four years in scholarship and college essays. It's just lately, I have wanted to make myself more useful to the community. This may sound selfish, but it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not only always taking from everyone. I've come to a point in my life when I realized I need to give back. In a way, I'm also trying to prove to myself that I'm not that heartless person everyone thinks I am and also that I can be a good leader when I dedicate myself to it.
I feel like this concert we're trying to do is starting to hit a wall. The bands are coming along, but the provisions we need to meet seem out of our reach. But then again, this concert was supposed to go well beyond our reach. I'm not going to stop trying until I get a definitive "no."
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I can't wait for baseball season to start. It'll give me something to watch at nights. And hopefully I'll be in a real fantasy baseball league this year. That should be fun.

February 1, 2009

I wish I had a chance.

February 1, 2009

Throughout the past three years, despite all the things happening in between, somehow I feel like I always go back to liking the same person. The one girl I have no chance with. Not being pessimistic, just realistic. Even after every time I finally get over her, find a reason to move on, I end up right back with my sights set on her. I don't know why, but she's just always fun to be with, never makes me feel unwanted. Whenever I'm down, she's probably one of my favorite person to talk to. She'll always try to make me feel better and never seems to judge me for anything. I don't think I've ever had an un-enjoyable time with her. Including yesterday. The chats we had during the drive was fun like all the other ones we have had in the past. It's never anything really special, but they're always nice.
I like these intimate one-on-one times together. Not just with her, but with anyone. They're so much more meaningful than being with thirty people but not really given the opportunity to have an extraordinary time with any one person. I obviously value different things in friendships than many other people, but I think I'd much rather have a few great friends than a ton not good ones.
Anyway, back to her. A few days ago I wrote about having someone who can take my breath away. After dropping her off yesterday, seeing her wave and her bright smile from her door made me want to smile back just as big.
She's...
...awesome.

I just wish I had a chance.

February 1, 2009

TWO WORDS. RAFA OWNAGE.