So I've been saying for a while now that I wanted to create some kind of a blog/journal, just to write. To get my feelings out or just for memory's sake. I created a new Xanga because this is supposed to be more of a "private" thing, but if any of you come across it, you might find out some things about me that I normally don't show.
Ruth was just talking about Kush's Xanga, which I then went to read. It's weird how people can change. Just two months ago, he was wowed by the fact that I can even want a serious relationship and said that he could never do it. Now it seems like he really wants her.
Maybe it comes with maturity. Not everything's just fun and games anymore. I wish people would understand that more. That things should be taken more seriously and not just thrown aside as if we are free of responsibility. As each of us near the age of eighteen, when we become legal and can no longer be held in the hands of our parents, reality needs to smack us in the face. I can't do things, get in trouble, and disregard it a few days later as simply a "lesson learned." I am my actions. And if I am to define myself as the person I hope to become, then I need to make my actions now worthwhile, thought out.
Anyway, back to my thoughts on Kush. If he sincerely has feelings for her, then good for him. I was never able to understand guys who "sleep around," and I hope I will never stoop so low as to letting myself understand it. I can't do things just because. If I make a commitment, I will stay committed and carry it out to the best of my ability. Right now, I am still deciding if this is such a great quality, because I feel like it came back to bite me in the ass when I was with Catalina.
It's been over a month since we broke up, but it hasn't been until recently that I've really been thinking about it. The last week or so. On Saturday, I was talking to Rodante about relationships and that at our point in life, relationships really need its space. That's where my commitment came back to bite me. I was probably overly attached and couldn't let myself find our differences and settle them. Relationship needs compromises right? We never had to make these compromises because it was always "If you're happy, I'm happy" on her part, and nothing but trying to make her happy on my part. I don't know. I still don't understand relationships well, but every experience is an experience.
Speaking of Catalina, I do miss her a lot. Not even the relationship. Just her; her presence; her friendship. I was talking to Tiff the other night about having flashbacks and trying to live in the past. The last few days, I have been having these flashbacks. Usually to the conversations Catalina and I would have sitting in my car in her driveway whenever I bring her home. And to the late night conversations we would have in the time that she claimed to be "letting her hair dry" before I asked her out. Those were good. But I guess it's stupid thinking about them now. There's no going back. Don't get me wrong. I'm not not over her. I just miss those moments. I'm sure anyone in my position would miss those things.
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I'm kind of upset that no one, including my family, really wants to do anything for my eighteenth birthday. I'm not sure if it has been overshadowed by Chinese New Year being on the same day, or that no one remembers. Whatever the case, it's not making me feel too awesome about myself.
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All this existentialism stuff we've been constantly talking about in English has really gotten to me. I have actually been thinking about the meaning of life. Why we're here. Why we do what we do. But then in the end, (based on existentialism) these thoughts actually don't exist because I'm not doing anything about them. There's no action to back them. But honestly, what can I do about them? I'm not going to just decide that because I don't want to work, I'll just stop doing work. I still think existentialism is somewhat absurd. There are so many holes in the ideas. There isn't even a way to justify an existentialist considering that nothing matters, nothing has meaning. I originally thought that a true existentialist would commit suicide, but with more thought on it, I realized that there would be no point for the person to commit suicide. It's just such an annoying never ending circle in which nothing can explain anything because nothing matters. So dead or alive, it's all the same. So why bother killing yourself? Now I have confused myself.
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Wow I feel like I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff with no real substance. Hums. Oh well
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