Sunday, January 25, 2009

January 25, 2009

Today was my aunt's 50th birthday; happy birthday to her. She's always been my favorite =). Anyway, so I went to the city with my family and we had a really good birthday dinner; for her and for me. It was nice. Great Korean food; BBQ and all. And because I was in a really grouchy mood earlier in the day to my parents, I felt really bad. You know, as I'm writing this, I just realized that this is probably the last birthday I'll spend with my family. That's an upsetting thought, and I feel pretty bad considering how my wanting to spend my birthday with my family was more of an afterthought since I wanted to spend it with my friends.
This brings me to another thought: my relationship with my parents. I was thinking about this all day, mainly on the rides to and from the city. I have this constant anger towards my parents. For what, I can't quite figure out. They always seem to annoy me and the littlest thing they do that's not to my favor, I find myself swirling in rage. But then, I can have a great time with them too. I can't quite tell if it's my problem or theirs. Whatever it is, it's difficult to understand.
And then, about my dad. I've realized the last few days how similar we are. In a bad way. I realized that most of the things that I hate about my father reflects exactly how I am. I'm just a slightly dulled down version of all the bad things in my dad's personality. The pessimism. My father's a fiery pit of darkness and he sees everything as negatively as possible. Much worse than I am. The anger. The constant annoyance. He's so easily annoyed and it's really scary when he gets annoyed. I really should try changing who I am. But it's not like I can just rewrite the personality born into my genetics. I think I can make myself a better person though. There's some change in need.
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I've been trying to get myself more motivated to do work. I guess it's working since I finished my calc project, finished up some other homework and practice violin today working around dinner in the city. I guess this is a little too late to help me in terms of college, but I'm sure being more motivated will benefit me eventually.
I'm also trying to be more cultured. Read more. Watch more movies. I've watched a lot of movies lately, and most of the time I can take something from them. This book I've been reading is just taking me forever. I don't even know why. But I'm going to finish it by tomorrow night.
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I need someone to like. Someone to occupy my thoughts so I don't get sucked into the past. Someone who takes my breath away when I see them, talk to them, think about them. Something for me to strive for. To start the chase again.

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