February 9, 2010

This past weekend was wild. Dipika, Jackie, Lil, Ryan, and Maria came up to Boston to celebrate “the birthday month of Dipika.” Rather, it was just an incredibly nice reunion. Between Thursday to Saturday, I was literally all over the place. Thursday morning started with my writing seminar professor complimenting the rough draft of my paper on Batman Begins and The Dark Knight (although I’m not sure how much credit I can take from those comments now after reading the other “really good” essay). Anyway, my 9AM course was followed by an hour commute to Northeastern University for an interview for a volunteer program call Math Stars. It’s essentially a tutoring/mentoring program that involves playing tennis with the kids afterwards. The interview went over well, although I don’t think it could have not gone over well. I’m going to Dorchester this Thursday to see if it really is something I want to invest my time in. Afterwards, I went to the Boston Public Library to get some studying done before the grand arrival. The Boston Public Library is so ridiculously nice, almost like a museum. I wandered through several large empty marbled corridors before actually finding the “reading room".” I never actually found where the books were though…which was strange. After sitting in the library for a few hours, my normal fear for libraries took me over again, and started getting uncomfortable. Naturally, I ended up at the Starbucks at the Barnes & Nobles inside the Prudential Mall before finally heading over to Back Bay Station to pick everyone up. We all headed back to BC, ate dinner, chilled. Alexa, Christina, Parita, Jaime, and Dips joined us later in the night. I love being able to spend a night with great friends without the use of alcohol. Sleeping that night was interesting. Alexa left so we were only left with…I think 11 people. Of course sleeping 11 people in our nice little dorm room made for a bizarre situation: three people in each bed and four on the ground. Not very comfortable. Anything to see good friends, though.

Woke up at 7:30 in the morning to bring Christina, Dips, and the NEU girls. Had breakfast, went to the library to get a little studying done. Ended up passing out in the library, BUT I made it to class! Came back from class at noon and everyone was still sleeping. Jackie and Ryan were displaying a nice ensemble of snores. It was quite amusing. Anyway, we cleaned up a bit and headed out around four. I dropped everyone off at the T stop to head to BU while I headed over to Tufts. We then had our big reunion dinner at Bertucci’s out in Longwood. I was so exhausted during dinner, but it was still fun.

 

NOW HERE COMES THE INTERESTING PART. We took a cab back to Northeastern to pre-game. We got rid of a bottle of tequila and half of vodka, but all that food we ate during dinner caused none of us to feel anything. That was unfortunate. We headed over to an MIT frat party. MIT frat houses are classy, to say the least. Classy frat house almost seems…paradoxical. It was pretty fun at first, I suppose. Was not drunk at all, though, and once more and more people started piling in, I just started to get annoyed. People were spilling stuff on me, everyone was sweating; it just wasn’t…preferable. It was a fight just to get to the bar every time I wanted a drink. I basically just gave up after a while. I was really happy when Christina asked me if I wanted to go to an Indian party at Northeastern. So, we took a cab there. Got in. Everyone was super hospitable. Literally as I was walking in, people were offering to take my jacket and hang it up for me while pouring me shots. I took two shots of some unknown blue alcohol and all of a sudden, I was gone. It was so weird. I had five-ish shots of tequila, two gulps of vodka, about a cup of “punch",” and two cups of beer and didn’t feel drunk at all. All of a sudden, I had two shots and I was gone. Anyway, I took two more mixed drinks and I decided I had to stop because I had to wake up at 7:30 the next morning. So, I stopped drinking and I started getting phone calls from Jackie asking me where I was. A while later, I got several texts from Lil and Jackie telling me that they were raped. Naturally, I was terribly worried and freaking out. In my drunken state, my mind was just being extra dramatic about everything. I kept apologizing to them. I tried to stop thinking about it, and I danced a bit and was apparently talking a lot to everyone. I remember having a heart-to-heart with Vin. Funny. Anyway, by around 2AM, Christina and I left. On the cab, I kept asking her “What’s wrong with me?” because I was still thinking about how Lil and Jackie had been raped. I was beginning to have my emotional breakdown at that moment. It was strange because during this whole emotional breakdown, I couldn’t stop smiling whenever I had some random happy thought. When we got to Christina’s place, she went to sleep and passed out immediately, but I ended up laying there for nearly an hour.

This is when I started to have a huge mess of emotional confusion. For a few seconds, I was smiling at the most random things. And then all of a sudden, I had an emotional breakdown. IT WAS SO WEIRD.

Anyway, I had to wake up just a few hours later to go to a nine hour PWC seminar about accounting. It was interesting, and the morning after wasn’t as bad as I expected. Nothing really exciting. I was supposed to go to a Harvard party that night, but decided against it when I realized how exhausted I was.

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So here’s the thing. My emotional breakdown seemed to highlight what seems to be some kind of emotional confusion I have had over the past few weeks. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve felt a big jumble of blechhhh within me. It’s tough to fix that when there’s something you want but you know you can’t get. I actually think that my confusion stems from not knowing if it’s what I want or not. That internal conflict is enough for me to tear myself apart. I don’t know. I need some time to sort out my thoughts and figure out what it is I want.

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Another thing I realized over this weekend is that I’m not really sure of who or what I am. Christina says I’ve become another college student. Is that who I want to be though? I’m not sure. Yet another thing I can’t really figure out about myself. I’d like to think of myself as better than that, but maybe it’s inevitable.

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Yeah I know that it’s not easy
I know that it’s so hard
Follow the lights to the city
And get up and
Go, take a chance and be strong
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
Don’t look back just go,
Take a breath, move along
Or you could spend your whole life holding on
You could spend your whole life holding on
Believe the tunnel can end
Believe your body can mend
Yeah I know you can make it through
‘Cause I believe in you
So let’s go put up a fight
Let’s go make everything alright
Go on and take a shot go give it all you got

 

-Boys Like Girls, Go