January 2, 2010

What. The. Hell.

 

WHY CAN’T I JUST FUCKING LET IT GO AND MOVE THE FUCK ON.

 

AUGHHHHH.

January 1, 2010

I’m starting a “2010 in Pictures” project. Basically, I take a picture for every day of the year. Hopefully this turns out well. I wonder if I can create a separate blogger page simply for pictures. Hmmm.

December 31, 2009

Last post of the decade.

Ten years ago, the world was in disarray trying to figure out how to stop computers from blowing up the world when the year turned from 99 to 00. I was eight years old, in third grade, and wondering why they can’t just put a giant brick wall in front of every missile so the world won’t blow up. I think it’s safe to say I’ve grown quite a bit since.  According to my third grade time capsule, I wanted to be a lawyer and my favorite TV show was Pokemon at the beginning of the decade. By the end, I’m majoring in finance and computer science and minoring in math while my favorite TV show is How I Met Your Mother. I think it’s for the better…

Ten years is a long time but it seemed to have gone by so quickly. It’s kind of hard to think of, but here’s some of the most memorable moments of the decade.

1. High school graduation: It was such a happy, yet somewhat frightening moment. End of an era, beginning of another. It was insane to see how excited everyone was and it was just all smiles. What made it amazing was that it was spent with some great friends. I wish there were more of these moments to share with friends, but I guess that’s what makes it special.
2. Italy trip: One country. Seven cities. Fourteen days. Sixteen high school graduates. Thousands of pictures taken. Countless memories and great times that will last a lifetime. Yeah those were an amazing two weeks. It was so surreal. The sights that we were given the opportunity to see and the people that I got to see it with were nothing short of awesome. I don’t even know how else to describe it. It was such a blast and I hope I’ll be back there again.
3. Senior Prom and Post-prom weekend: It went by really quickly. And it wasn’t quite as great as people build it up to be. But regardless, it was, like graduation, another event in my life that symbolizes the turning point between one time period to another. I actually still think the best part was doing pictures before prom. Post-prom was another great weekend. I will always remember the picture we took of a whole group of us on the beach in the pouring rain. Then the following days spent on the beach. It was great.
4. End of eight grade: Rainbow class of ‘06. Not much to say here. Looking back at some pictures, we seemed to have been legitimately happy about ourselves and everything going on. Hershey Park in the rain. Dorney Park in the sweltering hot sun. Eight grade formal. And not to mention that I liked this really cool girl and she liked me back too. What a concept.(This picture is hilarious). 
5. Senior year homecoming: …I was happy. Really happy.
6. 2007 USSBA All-States Championships in Allentown: Yes, we won two others in the years I was in the band, but this one was just beyond exhilarating. There was just something about the atmosphere that day that put this one over the top.
7. First Yankees game: Sure, it wasn’t the most exciting game ever. One-hitter thrown by Sergio Mitre through eight innings and finished off by Chad Gaudin. A-rod hit a bullet homerun to right field. Pretty much a blowout game. But I’ll never forget my first ever Yankees game, simply because I’m the biggest baseball dork in the world.
8. Yankees winning 2009 World Series: Andy Pettitte got the win. Mo got the save. A-rod did what he needed to do. And Hit-deki played impressively in his last game in pinstripes. We sat in front of the TV throughout the whole game, watching every play. We cheered, jumped, screamed as Tex made the final putout to end an epic 2009 season. That was a good day.
9. September 11, 2001: During recess in fifth grade, I overheard two teachers talking about planes crashing over two buildings in New York City. I obviously did not know what was going on and shrugged it off. Parents started taking my classmates out of school, yet the school never let us know what was going on. When my mom came to pick me up, she asked me if I knew and told me what happened. I remember coming home and both my mom and I sat riveted to the TV for the rest of the afternoon. I was young but it’s one of those things that stick.
10. FBLA Nationals in Chicago: One of few achievements that really stick out in my mind. It was so exciting to be able to go up on stage at the states competition to pick up my award and ultimately finding out that I have the opportunity to compete at the national level. That trip was somewhat of a first taste of freedom as we were pretty much unsupervised. The greatest part was walking through downtown Chicago around midnight with a friend and looking at the wonderful sights around the lake and throughout the city.

So there we have it, my list of the decade’s most memorable events. Hopefully I didn’t miss anything obvious. Ten years is such an incredibly long time; so many things happened. I really wish I could go back and look at everything to see what I did right or what I did wrong. Where would I be now if I took a certain thing more seriously, or made a different choice?

Lately, as I look back on some of the things that have shaped me, I realize how much potential there was for me to do well in certain things. Tennis, for example. I love playing tennis but I never seemed to take it seriously enough to make myself a standout player. I regret wasting my time in the summers in front of the computer rather than outside working on my serves. Violin, too. I could have been so much better if I had realized how great it would be to be spectacular at something musical. I can’t sing or dance, but I think that if I had pushed myself just a little harder to enjoy playing the violin, I could be in a much better position today. It’s hard to believe, but I feel like now that I’m in college, my window of opportunity to learn these things has all but closed. I don’t want to give up what I have learned. Most than ten years of violin and tennis is a lot to just forget about. I need to make sure that some way or another, I keep up these interests.

I feel that over the past year or so, I have discovered a lot about myself. I have a good grasp on how I am as a person and my personality traits. There’s a lot that I want to change, but most of it can’t be completely changed. I just have to make the best of it and try to mask the bad traits among more preferable ones. I have been stuck in a predicament about why I just can’t be as confident about myself as I should be. Or why I can’t express myself to other people as well as I do internally. Or why I just can’t seem to find anywhere where I really fit in. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’ve learned a lot about myself, but there’s so much more for me to discover. Hopefully, by the end of this next decade, I can rectify some of these issues. Or else I might be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life. That doesn’t seem fun.

So where will I be the next time a decade ends? I’m excited to find out.

December 21, 2009

I completely lack emotional attachment. And I think it’s killing me more than anything else.

December 20, 2009

Where do I even begin?

----------

On my mind at the moment: Somewhere deep in my mind, I live in a fantasy world. I find myself daydreaming about this life in which I am a part of something significant, am striving for something significant, and have done something significant. I think about the things that could have been, the opportunities I could have made for myself. But who am I kidding? These fabrications of my mind are absurd. I imagine about the love scandals of classic drama TV high school students. My mind wanders off about the different family interactions. Naturally, as I was watching Glee today, I’ve come to realize that this fantasy world is no different than that of any show on TV about the struggles of young adults. I wonder if, somewhere out in the world, these things happen. The multifaceted relationships between friends, the ups-and-downs of fighting what society brings upon us. Are these the real-life challenges that I want to have come smack me in the face right now?

----------

I’ve written so many papers on the meaninglessness of life. I splurged for thoughts and ideas just to get those papers done, so it wasn’t really until recently that I’ve started to find the world to be so useless. Why are we here? I go to school for the first twenty years of my life and then work for the next forty and I’ll find myself on my deathbed. Why bother? I feel like at this point I’m stuck in this institution defined by society and my life is being dictated by what society wants. I want to do something real. Studying for philosophy and business ethics is not real.

You know what the biggest problem is? I want to do this. I don’t want to be just another college student and just another person in the work force with a terribly boring life. I want the excitement that my fantasy world brings to me. So the problem. I have no idea where to start, and it bothers me that I’m not actively trying to look for where to start. It is absurd and is an innate problem. But yet I sit and settle for the life I have in front of me. What’s wrong with me? I need a vision. I lack ability.

----------

It’s tough finding satisfaction and real happiness when life is such a blank slate staring me in the face. There’s no spark. At some point last year, I found some of that. It was so much fun. I had some goals. I went out for them. I don’t think I truly succeeded in any of them, but that pursuit and the comradery and relationship with friends formed throughout these pursuits gave life some purpose. And then there was her. I saw her smile and I thought I was the happiest person alive. She was the one person I felt comfortable confiding in and not having to lie about my feelings to. Nothing lasts though. At least not the good.

All I really want right now is just some more of that. I don’t know what to do to find it. I keep myself stuck in the past and as everyone is moving on, my life is on rewind. I don’t know where to go to find those close bonds again. I’m lost. I just need something to point me in the right direction and find some sense of purpose again.

December 12, 2009

Seven days to go.

My brain is going to start dripping out and I’m going to rip my hair out.

…love college.

----------

Note to self: must write a meaningful post sometime soon.

November 2, 2009

Damn it’s November already.

----------

I hate regrets.

Especially the ones that comes back to bite you in the ass years later.