So what exactly is it that I have done now? Have I not spent the past eighteen years of my life trying to be a good person? A successful person? I'm not a bum. I work hard to get what I want. I try to rely as little as possible on other people because I like to earn what I get. So what is it about me that's not good enough for my parents?
Over the past few months I've tried my hardest to ween myself off of any reliance on my parents. Of course there's the normal necessities, but anything that I want just because I want it or because I want to enjoy my life once in a while, I will try my best to get it myself.
So when I ask my father to borrow his credit card so I can order a protector for my cell phone (which I was going to pay him back for), he slams the card at me, sighs, turns his back on me and walks out. I hand him his card back with a $20 and he says "I don't want your money" and leaves the room. First of all, I had asked him to order this for me a month ago, and he never did. Second, it was on sale for 50%. So this set me off on a rampage. He's been pissed at me this whole weekend. For what? I can't figure out. And he's the kind of person who will just be mad at you, show you that he's mad at you, but never tell you why he's mad at you even if you ask. So I'm left here wondering what it is that I did wrong this time. Is it that after a week of studying and doing homework until 3AM daily, I go out an enjoy myself for a day? Is it that I enjoy life more than he can because he's such a tight collared jerk? He needs to fucking loosen up. Dad, ever wonder why you have no friends? Maybe it's because anytime anyone tries to have the remotest bit of fun, you go off and somehow kill everything. I can't take it anymore.
I'm not a high maintenance lazy bum like my brother is. I'm not the one who's always a jerk to my mother. I've respected my parents. I've felt gratitude towards them. I may not always show it explicitly, but that's the reason why I don't want to rely on them anymore. I'm a grown person, I can handle myself and not have to spend their money or waste their time. Yet I'm the one who somehow always gets targeted by some sort of anger. WHY?
One day, they will realize that they pissed off the wrong son. The one who has some sort of work ethic and potential to become anything in the future.
*I really did not want to bash my brother, but it just pisses me off that he's somehow always preferred. And I don't understand that.
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
January 25, 2009
Today was my aunt's 50th birthday; happy birthday to her. She's always been my favorite =). Anyway, so I went to the city with my family and we had a really good birthday dinner; for her and for me. It was nice. Great Korean food; BBQ and all. And because I was in a really grouchy mood earlier in the day to my parents, I felt really bad. You know, as I'm writing this, I just realized that this is probably the last birthday I'll spend with my family. That's an upsetting thought, and I feel pretty bad considering how my wanting to spend my birthday with my family was more of an afterthought since I wanted to spend it with my friends.
This brings me to another thought: my relationship with my parents. I was thinking about this all day, mainly on the rides to and from the city. I have this constant anger towards my parents. For what, I can't quite figure out. They always seem to annoy me and the littlest thing they do that's not to my favor, I find myself swirling in rage. But then, I can have a great time with them too. I can't quite tell if it's my problem or theirs. Whatever it is, it's difficult to understand.
And then, about my dad. I've realized the last few days how similar we are. In a bad way. I realized that most of the things that I hate about my father reflects exactly how I am. I'm just a slightly dulled down version of all the bad things in my dad's personality. The pessimism. My father's a fiery pit of darkness and he sees everything as negatively as possible. Much worse than I am. The anger. The constant annoyance. He's so easily annoyed and it's really scary when he gets annoyed. I really should try changing who I am. But it's not like I can just rewrite the personality born into my genetics. I think I can make myself a better person though. There's some change in need.
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I've been trying to get myself more motivated to do work. I guess it's working since I finished my calc project, finished up some other homework and practice violin today working around dinner in the city. I guess this is a little too late to help me in terms of college, but I'm sure being more motivated will benefit me eventually.
I'm also trying to be more cultured. Read more. Watch more movies. I've watched a lot of movies lately, and most of the time I can take something from them. This book I've been reading is just taking me forever. I don't even know why. But I'm going to finish it by tomorrow night.
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I need someone to like. Someone to occupy my thoughts so I don't get sucked into the past. Someone who takes my breath away when I see them, talk to them, think about them. Something for me to strive for. To start the chase again.
This brings me to another thought: my relationship with my parents. I was thinking about this all day, mainly on the rides to and from the city. I have this constant anger towards my parents. For what, I can't quite figure out. They always seem to annoy me and the littlest thing they do that's not to my favor, I find myself swirling in rage. But then, I can have a great time with them too. I can't quite tell if it's my problem or theirs. Whatever it is, it's difficult to understand.
And then, about my dad. I've realized the last few days how similar we are. In a bad way. I realized that most of the things that I hate about my father reflects exactly how I am. I'm just a slightly dulled down version of all the bad things in my dad's personality. The pessimism. My father's a fiery pit of darkness and he sees everything as negatively as possible. Much worse than I am. The anger. The constant annoyance. He's so easily annoyed and it's really scary when he gets annoyed. I really should try changing who I am. But it's not like I can just rewrite the personality born into my genetics. I think I can make myself a better person though. There's some change in need.
---------
I've been trying to get myself more motivated to do work. I guess it's working since I finished my calc project, finished up some other homework and practice violin today working around dinner in the city. I guess this is a little too late to help me in terms of college, but I'm sure being more motivated will benefit me eventually.
I'm also trying to be more cultured. Read more. Watch more movies. I've watched a lot of movies lately, and most of the time I can take something from them. This book I've been reading is just taking me forever. I don't even know why. But I'm going to finish it by tomorrow night.
---------
I need someone to like. Someone to occupy my thoughts so I don't get sucked into the past. Someone who takes my breath away when I see them, talk to them, think about them. Something for me to strive for. To start the chase again.
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